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1ReadingGuideDARINGGREATLYIT'SNOTTHECRITICWHOCOUNTSBrenéBrown,Ph.
D.
,LMSWPREFACE:WHATITMEANSTODAREGREATLY"Vulnerabilityisnotweakness,andtheuncertainty,risk,andemotionalexposurewefaceeverydayarenotoptional.
Ouronlychoiceisaquestionofengagement.
Ourwillingnesstoownandengagewithourvulnerabilitydeterminesthedepthofourcourageandtheclarityofourpurpose;theleveltowhichweprotectourselvesfrombeingvulnerableisameasureofourfearanddisconnection.
"Beforejumpingintothebook,Ithinkit'shelpfultodiscussand/orwritedownyourthoughtsonvulnerability.
1.
Howwouldyoudefinevulnerability2.
Whatarethebeliefsyouholdaroundvulnerability4.
Didyougrowupseeingvulnerabilitymodeled5.
What'syourcurrentcomfortlevelwithvulnerability3.
HowwasvulnerabilityviewedinyourfamilyWhatwerethelessons(spokenorunspoken)aboutbeingvulnerable23.
Whendoyoufeelthemostvulnerable"Wehumanshaveatendencytodefinethingsbywhattheyarenot.
Thisisespeciallytrueofouremotionalexperiences.
"Howwouldyoudefinevulnerabilityintermsofwhatitisnot"Vulnerabilityisthecore,theheart,thecenter,ofmeaningfulhumanexperiences.
"DoyouagreeordisagreewiththisstatementWhy1.
Whatdoesvulnerabilityfeellike2.
WhatdoyoudowithvulnerabilityINTRODUCTION:MYADVENTUREINTHEARENAAtthebeginningoftheintroductionIsharetheconversationIhadwithmytherapistaboutvulnerability.
HowwouldyourespondtothequestionsDianaposedtome3"Iseetheculturalmessagingeverywherethatsaysthatanordinarylifeisameaninglesslife.
"ThinkaboutwhatyouwatchonTV,themagazinesyouread,themusicyoulistentoontheradio,andthebillboardsyoudriveorwalkbyeveryday.
Whataresomeoftheexpectationsandmessages(subtleandnot-so-subtle)thatfuelthefearofbeingordinaryHowdoyoufillintheblankswithyourowntapes"Neverenough.
""HowareourstrugglesandbehaviorsrelatedtoprotectingourselvesHowareourbehaviors,thoughts,andemotionsrelatedtovulnerabilityandtheneedforastrongsenseofworthiness"CHAPTER1:SCARCITY:LOOKINGINSIDEOURCULTUREOF"NEVERENOUGH""…whenIlookatnarcissismthroughthevulnerabilitylens,Iseetheshame-basedfearofbeingordinary.
Iseethefearofneverfeelingextraordinaryenoughtobenoticed,tobelovable,tobelong,ortocultivateasenseofpurpose.
"Whenyouthinkofbehaviorsthatareoftenlabelednarcissistic,canyouseehowtheshameofbeingtooordinaryorthefearofhavingalifethat'stoosmallmightdrivethosebehaviorsWhyorwhynot4Thinkofatimeinyourlifewhereyoudidsomethingreallycourageousorbrave.
WhatroledidvulnerabilityplayDidyoufeeluncertainDiditfeelriskyDidyoufeelemotionallyexposedDoesitmakesensetoyouthat"Vulnerabilitysoundsliketruthandfeelslikecourage""Yes,wearetotallyexposedwhenwearevulnerable.
Yes,weareinthetorturechamberthatwecalluncertainty.
Andyes,we'retakingahugeemotionalriskwhenweallowourselvestobevulnerable.
Butthere'snoequationwheretakingrisks,bravinguncertainty,andopeningourselvesuptoemotionalexposureequalsweakness.
""Whatmakesthisconstantassessingandcomparingsoself-defeatingisthatweareoftencomparingourlives,ourmarriages,ourfamilies,andourcommunitiestounattainable,media-drivenvisionsofperfection,orwe'reholdingupourrealityagainstourownfictionalaccountofhowgreatsomeoneelsehasit.
Nostalgiaisalsoadangerousformofcomparison.
Thinkabouthowoftenwecompareourselvesandourlivestoamemorythatnostalgiahassocompletelyeditedthatitneverreallyexisted…"Whatidealizedaccounts(media,nostalgia,etc.
)doyoucompareyourlifetomostfrequentlyForexample,doyousometimesfindyourselfcomparingyourhouseorapartmenttothePotteryBarncatalogueDoyoucompareyourfamilyholidayswiththeHallmarkcommercialsCHAPTER2:DEBUNKINGTHEVULNERABILITYMYTHS"Vulnerabilitysoundsliketruthandfeelslikecourage.
"HowwouldyoufillintheblanksVulnerabilityisVulnerabilityfeelslike5Whenweoperatefromthebeliefthatwe"don'tdovulnerability"weshouldaskourselvesthesequestions:1.
WhatdoIdowhenIfeelemotionallyexposed2.
HowdoIbehavewhenI'mfeelingveryuncomfortableanduncertain3.
HowwillingamItotakeemotionalrisksIwriteabouttheideaofmarblejarfriendsasametaphorfortherelationshipbetweentrustandvulnerability.
WhoareyourmarblejarfriendsHowdidyourmarblejarfriendsgettheirmarbles6"Vulnerabilityandcouragebegetvulnerabilityandcourage.
"WhenhaveyouexperiencedthisinyourownlifeWhenhasyourvulnerabilityopenedthedoorforsomeoneelseorviceversaDoyouuse"crazybusy"asarmorHowAretherecertainsituationsorexperienceswhereyoufeeltheneedtolookbraveontheoutsidewhileyou'rereallyfeelingfearfulontheinsideWhatdothosesituationshaveincommon"IdidbelievethatIcouldoptoutoffeelingvulnerable,sowhenithappened–whenthephonerangwithunimaginablenews;orwhenIwasscared;orwhenIlovedsofiercelythatratherthanfeelinggratitudeandjoyIcouldonlyprepareforloss–Icontrolledthings.
Imanagedsituationsandmicromanagedthepeoplearoundme.
Iperformeduntiltherewasnoenergylefttofeel.
Imadewhatwasuncertaincertainnomatterwhatthecost.
Istayedsobusythatthetruthofmyhurtingandmyfearcouldnevercatchup.
Ilookedbraveontheoutsideandfeltscaredontheinside.
"DoyouspendtimeandenergytryingtomaketheuncertaincertainIfso,how7"Nothinghastransformedmylifemorethanrealizingthatit'sawasteoftimetoevaluatemyworthinessbyweighingthereactionofthepeopleinthestands.
Thepeoplewholovemeandwillbethereregardlessoftheoutcomearewithinarm'sreach.
Thisrealizationchangedeverything.
"HowwouldyourlifelookdifferentifyounolongerevaluatedyourworthinessbyweighingthereactionofthepeopleinthestandsWhoarethepeoplewhoarewithyouinthearenaWhoarethefolksthatyoumostoftenpictureinthestandsI'moftenmyharshestcritic.
Iseemyselfinthestandscriticizingandjudging.
Areyouinthestands8"Youknowthatyouarefarmorethanapainting,aninnovativeidea,aneffectivepitch,agoodsermon,orahighAmazon.
comranking.
"Whatareyour"gremlins,"andwhatdotheysaytoyoutopreventyoufrommovingforward"…everysuccessfulwomanwhomI'veinterviewedhastalkedtomeaboutthesometimesdailystruggletopushpast'therules'soshecanassertherself,advocateforherideas,andfeelcomfortablewithherpowerandgifts.
"Howdoyoufeelpushingpast"therules"HowdidthataffectyourabilitytoshareitwithothersandnavigatethereactionofothersHasnotpushingpastthemhelpedorhurtyoupersonallyandprofessionallyCHAPTER3:UNDERSTANDINGANDCOMBATINGSHAME"Insimpleterms,iftheyloveit,you'reworthy;iftheydon't,you'reworthless.
"Haveyoueverattachedyourself-worthtohowsomethingofyourswasreceived9"…Weaskthemtobevulnerable,webegthemtoletusin,andwepleadwiththemtotelluswhenthey'reafraid,butthetruthisthatmostwomencan'tstomachit.
Inthosemomentswhenrealvulnerabilityhappensinmen,mostofusrecoilwithfearandthatfearmanifestsaseverythingfromdisappointmenttodisgust.
"Asaman,whathavethereactionsbeenwhenyouwerevulnerablewithyourfamily,friends,orpartnerInthischapterIdiscusstheprimarysoftspotsformenandwomeninregardstoshame.
Iwrite,"Theywentaftermyappearanceandmymothering–twokillshotstakenstraightfromthelistoffemininenorms.
"Additionally,Iwrite,"Basically,menliveunderthepressureofonerelentingmessage:Donotbeperceivedasweak.
"Basedonyourpersonalexperiences,dothelistofmasculineandfemininenormsringtrueforyouWhyorwhynotWheredoyoufeelthemostresistancetopushWhereisiteasiestWhydoyouthinkit'sharderoreasierinthesecircumstancesHowdoyouprotectthesevulnerabilitiesandatwhatcost10"Shameresilience…isaboutfindingamiddlepath,anoptionthatallowsustostayengagedandtofindtheemotionalcourageweneedtorespondinawaythatalignswithourvalues.
"WhenhaveyoutradedinyourvaluesforaquickwayoutofshameWhatwouldithavelookedliketofindthemiddlepathandpracticeemotionalcourageinawaythatkeptyoualignedwithyourvalues"Tosetdownthoselistsofwhatwe'resupposedtobeisbrave.
Toloveourselvesandsupporteachotherintheprocessofbecomingrealisperhapsthegreatestsingleactofdaringgreatly.
"What'sonyour"prerequisitesforworthiness"listHowdiditgetthereWhatwouldyouhavetoletgoofinordertomovetowardWholeheartedness(I'mstillworkingonthisquestioninmyownlife.
Idon'tthinkthereareeasyanswers,butIthinkit'sworthasking.
Againandagain.
)Asawoman,howhaveyoureactedtothemeninyourlifewhentheywerevulnerableDidanythingsurpriseyoufromtheconversationbetweenmenandwomenaboutsexIfso,whatdidandwhy11HowwouldyouanswerthefollowingquestionsaboutthevulnerabilityarmoryHowdoIprotectmyselfWhenandhowdiditstartWhatwouldittaketoputthearmorawayThinkaboutthewaysyoushieldyourselffromvulnerability.
HowwouldyoufillintheblanksCHAPTER4:THEVULNERABILITYARMORY"VulnerabilityisthelastthingIwantyoutoseeinme,butthefirstthingIlookforinyou.
"Howdoyoufeelaroundpeoplewhodon'tletyouinorwhoarmoragainstvulnerabilityMyfirstinstinctistobutthatneverworked,sonowIandthat'schangedmylife.
IspentyearsuntilonedayItriedanditmademyrelationshipstronger.
12"Scarcityandfeardriveforebodingjoy.
We'reafraidthatthefeelingofjoywon'tlast,orthattherewon'tbeenough,orthatthetransitiontodisappointment(orwhateverisinstoreforusnext)willbetoodifficult.
We'velearnedthatgivingintojoyis,atbest,settingourselvesupfordisappointmentand,atworst,invitingdisaster.
"Whenareyoumostlikelytoexperience"forebodingjoy"inyourlifeWhatarethereasonsyouforecloseonyourjoyDoyoufindyourselfjustwaitingfortheothershoetodropHowdoyougetpastthatimmediate"vulnerabilityshudder"rightnow"Forthosewelcomingtheexperience,theshudderofvulnerabilitythataccompaniesjoyisaninvitationtopracticegratitude,toacknowledgehowtrulygratefulwearefortheperson,thebeauty,theconnection,orsimplythemomentbeforeus.
"(p.
123)HowdoyoupracticegratitudeinyoureverydaylifeAretheremissedopportunitiesinyourlifetocultivategratitudeIfso,whatcouldyoudodifferentlytomakespaceformoregratitudeandjoy"Iftheoppositeofscarcityisenough,thenpracticinggratitudebecomesthehighestformofacknowledgingthatthere'senoughandthatwe'reenough.
"Thenexttimeyougetthe"vulnerabilityshudder",usethislinetopracticegratitude:I'mfeelingvulnerableaboutandI'msogratefulforHowdoesitfeel13"I'veneverheardonepersonattributetheirjoy,success,orwholeheartednesstobeingperfect.
Infact,whatI'veheardoverandoverthroughouttheyearsisoneclearmes-sage…Perfectionismisnotthepaththatleadsustoourgiftsandtooursenseofpur-pose;it'sthehazardousdetour.
"Wheredoyouthinkyouareontheperfectioncontinuum–wheredoyouhustlemostinyourlife"Andnumbingvulnerabilityisespeciallydebilitatingbecauseitdoesn'tjustdeadenthepainofourdifficultexperiences;numbingvulnerabilityalsodullsourexperiencesoflove,joy,belonging,creativity,andempathy.
Wecan'tselectivelynumbemotion.
Numbthedarkandyounumbthelight.
"Whataretheemotionsyoutrytonumbandwhatemotionswouldyouliketoexperiencemoreinyourlife"Theparticipantswhostruggledthemostwithnumbing,GroupA,explainedthatreducinganxietymeantfindingwaystonumbit,notchangingthethinking,behaviors,oremotionsthatcreatedanxiety.
"DoyoufindyourselfinGroupAorGroupBWhydoyouputyourselfinthatparticulargroupDoyouuseperfectionismasashieldIfso,what'sthethreatWhatscaresyouthemostaboutputtingdowntheshield14"Aremychoicescomfortingandnourishingmyspirit,oraretheytemporaryreprievesfromvulnerabilityanddifficultemotionsultimatelydiminishingmyspiritAremychoicesleadingtomywholeheartedness,ordotheyleavemefeelingemptyandsearching"HowdoyoudifferentiatecomfortandnourishmentfromnumbingArethereareasthataremoredifficultthanothers"Ibelievethatowningourworthinessistheactofacknowledgingthatwearesacred.
Perhapsembracingvulnerabilityandovercomingnumbingisultimatelyaboutthecareandfeedingofourspirits.
"WhataretwowaysthatyoufeedyourspiritHowdoyouknowthatyouneedmorecareHowdoyouknowyouarefull"…whenwelead,teach,orpreachfromagospelofVikingorVictim,winorlose,wecrushfaith,innovation,creativity,andadaptabilitytochange.
"HaveyouexperiencedtheVikingorVictimparadigminyourlifeHowhasthe"either/or"approachaffectedyourabilitytobevulnerableorbeinarelationship"Whatwedon'tseeisthatusingvulnerabilityisnotthesamethingasbeingvulnerable;it'stheopposite–it'sarmor.
"WhenhaveyouusedfloodlightingasavulnerabilityshieldWhatwerethecircumstancesandwhatdidyoulearnaboutyourself15"'Serpentining'meanstryingtocontrolasituation,backingoutofit,pretendingit'snothappening,ormaybeevenpretendingthatyoudon'tcare.
"Whenareyoumostlikelyto"serpentine"toavoidvulnerabilityIsitwhenyouarepreparingfordiffi-cultconversationsOrwhenyoufeellikeyoumightdisappointsomeoneormakethemangryDoyouserpentinewhenyoudon'tknowtherightanswerWhatdoesyourzigzagpatternlooklike"…there'snothingthatmakesusfeelmorethreatenedandmoreincitedtoattackandshamepeoplethantoseesomeonedaringgreatly.
Someoneelse'sdaringprovidesanuncomfortablemirrorthatreflectsbackourownfearsaboutshowingup,creating,andlettingourselvesbeseen.
"WhosupportsyourdaringWhopushesbackwhenyoustepintoyourpowerandletyourselfbeseen16Makealistofyouraspirationalvalues.
What'sreallyimportanttoyouWhatvaluesguideyourevery-daydecisionmakingReflectingonyourlistofaspirationalvalues,howdoyoupracticetheseeverydayCalendarsaretruth-tellers.
Whenyoulookatyourcalendarorschedule,doyourcommitmentsreflectwhat'sreallyimportanttoyouIfso,howIfnot,whatdoesyourcalendarsayCHAPTER5:MINDTHEGAP:CULTIVATINGCHANGEANDCLOSINGTHEDISENGAGEMENTDIVIDEOnpage174,IlisttenquestionsthatIasktohelpmebetterunderstandthevaluesandcultureofagroup(organization,family,congregation,etc.
).
Thinkaboutyourfamily,work,orcommunityandanswerthesequestions.
It'sespeciallyhelpfultodothiswithsomeoneinyourgroup.
Whatdoyouranswerstellyouabout"howyougetthingsdone"WhatvaluesareimportantDoestheculturereflectyourvaluesandwhat'simportanttoyou17InthischapterItalkaboutwaystoidentifyshameanddisengagementinsystems(organizations,families,schools,etc.
).
WhatbehaviorsdoyouidentifyasshameredflagsatworkAthomeInyourcommunityWhatwouldittaketomovefromblametoacceptanceand/oraccountabilityCHAPTER6:DISRUPTIVEENGAGEMENT:DARINGTOREHUMANIZEEDUCATIONANDWORKDoyouagreeordisagreewithmydefinitionofaleaderInwhatsituationsdoyouholdyourselfresponsibleforfindingthepotentialinpeopleandprocesses"Blameissimplythedischargingofpainanddiscomfort.
Weblamewhenwe'reuncomfortableandexperiencepain–whenwe'revulnerable,angry,hurt,inshame,grieving.
"Blameisoftenago-toplaceforme.
Whensomethinggoeswrong,Iimmediatelywanttoknow"Who'stoblame"DoyoublameIfso,howdoesitaffectyourrelationships18Ifyou'vehadanegativefeedbackexperience(eithergivingorreceiving),whatdidn'tworkIfyoucompareyouranswersfromthesefirsttwoquestions,what'sthelessonDoyoufindtheEngagedFeedbackChecklisthelpfulWhyorwhynot"Vulnerabilityisattheheartofthefeedbackprocess.
"What'sbeenyourbestexperiencewithreceivingfeedbackWhatabouttheexperiencewaseffectiveormeaningfulWhatroledidvulnerabilityand/oropennessplayintheprocessCHAPTER7:WHOLEHEARTEDPARENTING:DARINGTOBETHEADULTSWEWANTOURCHILDRENTOBE"Whoweareandhowweengagewiththeworldaremuchstrongerpredictorsofhowourchildrenwilldothanwhatweknowaboutparenting.
"Doyouagreethatthebehaviors,emotions,andvalueswemodelaremoresignificantthanthebehaviors,emotions,andvaluesweteachandencourageWhatisanexamplefromyourownchildhood19"Shamelovesprerequisites.
Ourif/whenworthinesslisteasilydoublesasthegremlins'to-dolist.
"Weallhaveworthinessprerequisitesthatwe'retryingtoovercomeorletgo.
Asparents,it'simportantthatwerecognizewhatprerequisiteswe'rehandingdowntoourchildren.
Ifwedon'trecognizewhatwe'redoing,wecan'tchangeit.
WhataresomeoftheprerequisitesyouareknowinglyorunknowinglyhandingdownHowHowdidtheygetonyourlistHowcanyoutalkaboutthemwithyourchildrenHowcanyouworktogetherasafamilytoengagewithworthinessandletgoofthe"if/when"list"Youcan'tclaimtocareaboutthewelfareofchildrenifyou'reshamingotherparentsforthechoicesthey'remaking.
"Iarguethatparentingisashameminefieldbecauseit'ssuchavulnerableendeavorandwe'realwaysjudgingeachother.
HowdoyouthinkwecanbemoresupportiveofotherparentsHowdoyoustayoutofjudgmentwhenyoufeelstronglyaboutaparentingissueorapproach"Oneofthebiggestsurprisesinthisresearchwaslearningthatfittinginandbelongingarenotthesamething.
Infact,fittinginisoneofthegreatestbarrierstobelonging.
Fittinginisaboutassessingasituationandbecomingwhoyouneedtobeinordertobeaccepted.
Belonging,ontheotherhand,doesn'trequireustochangewhoweare;itrequiresustobewhoweare.
"DothedefinitionsoffittinginandbelongingringtrueforyouWhyorwhynot20WhatdoyoudotocreateastrongsenseofbelonginginyourhomeHowdoyoumodelthevulnerabilitythatisinherentinbelongingWhatconversationsdoyouhavewithyourchildrenaboutvulnerabilityandcourageThankyouforreadingDaringGreatly!
I'msogratefulforourwholeheartedcommunity.
Let'sbebravetogether.