responsepartnersonline

St.
CatherineUniversitySt.
CatherineUniversitySOPHIASOPHIAMasterofSocialWorkClinicalResearchPapersSchoolofSocialWork5-2014TheBetrayedPartner'sExperienceswithGriefandLossFollowingTheBetrayedPartner'sExperienceswithGriefandLossFollowingtheDiscoveryofanExtramaritalAffairtheDiscoveryofanExtramaritalAffairMelindaM.
DeGrootSt.
CatherineUniversityFollowthisandadditionalworksat:https://sophia.
stkate.
edu/msw_papersPartoftheSocialWorkCommonsRecommendedCitationRecommendedCitationDeGroot,MelindaM.
.
(2014).
TheBetrayedPartner'sExperienceswithGriefandLossFollowingtheDiscoveryofanExtramaritalAffair.
RetrievedfromSophia,theSt.
CatherineUniversityrepositorywebsite:https://sophia.
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Runninghead:GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRSTheBetrayedPartner'sExperienceswithGriefandLossFollowingtheDiscoveryofanExtramaritalAffairbyMelindaM.
DeGroot,B.
S.
MSWClinicalResearchPaperPresentedtotheFacultyoftheSchoolofSocialWorkSt.
CatherineUniversityandtheUniversityofSt.
ThomasSt.
Paul,MinnesotainPartialfulfillmentoftheRequirementsfortheDegreeofMasterofSocialWorkTheUniversityofSt.
ThomasandSt.
CatherineUniversitySchoolofSocialWorkCommitteeMembersLisaKiesel,Ph.
D.
,MSW(Chair)TedBowman,M.
Div.
JulieBeaufeaux,MSW,LICSWTheClinicalResearchProjectisagraduationrequirementforMSWstudentsatSt.
CatherineUniversity/UniversityofSt.
ThomasSchoolofSocialWorkinSt.
Paul,Minnesotaandisconductedwithinanine-monthtimeframetodemonstratefacilitywithbasicsocialresearchmethods.
Studentsmustindependentlyconceptualizearesearchproblem,formulatearesearchdesignthatisapprovedbyaresearchcommitteeandtheuniversityInstitutionalReviewBoard,implementtheproject,andpubliclypresentthefindingsofthestudy.
ThisprojectisneitheraMaster'sthesisnoradissertation.
GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRSiAbstractBetrayedpartnersexperienceagreatamountofchanges,losses,andgrieffollowingthediscoveryofanextramaritalaffair.
ThefollowingstudyexaminesthestoriesoftwowomenandfourmenfromvariousareasacrosstheUnitedStateswhowerethebetrayedpartnerinamarriagethatexperiencedextramaritalaffairs.
Aqualitativeapproachusingsemi-structuredinterviewswereconductedtoobtaininformationtoanswerthefollowingresearchquestion:Whatarethebetrayedpartner'sexperienceswithgriefandlossfollowingthediscoveryofanextramaritalaffairwithintheirmarriageSeveralthemesarosefromthefindingsincluding:1)immediatethoughts,feelings,andbehaviorssuchasshock,confusion,anger,anddisbelief,2)wantingtofixtherelationshipusingcounselingandsalvagingtherelationship,3)lifealterationscausedbytheaffairincludingincreaseinself-esteem,notwantingtomarryagain,havingtocontinueinteractionswiththebetrayer,learningthatnoteveryoneisuntrustworthy,emotionalinstability,andlegalaction,4)griefandlossincludinglossoftherelationship,divorce,sharedcustodyofthechildren,lossoftheirpartner'sfamily,lossoffriends,shattereddreamsandexpectations,physicalandemotionallosses,lossoftrust,adjustingtobeingprimarycustodyprovider,andfinancialhardships.
Participantsidentifiedseveralcopingstrategiessuchas:family,religion,friends,individualcounseling,readingbooks,grantingforgiveness,andattendingsupportgroups.
Thisstudyprovidesabroadlookatthelossesandgrief,whichareoftentimesoverlookedaspectsofinfidelity.
GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRSiiAcknowledgmentsIamverygratefulforeveryonewhohashelpedmethroughoutthisresearchaswellasthroughgraduateschool.
Iwouldliketothankmychair,LisaKiesel,forherguidanceandencouragementduringthisproject.
ThankyoutocommitteemembersJulieBeaufeauxandTedBowmanfortheexpertise,time,andfeedbackthattheyhavegivenme.
Iwanttothankmysistersandparents,whoaremyrolemodelsandhaveprovidedconstantloveandsupport.
IalsowanttothankEricforhisnever-endingpatience,love,andencouragementthroughoutthepasttwoyears.
Lastbutnotleast,Iwanttothanktheresearchparticipantswhosograciouslyallowedmetheprivilegeofhearingtheirstoriesandexperiences.
GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRSiiiTableofContentsAbstract…iAcknowledgements…iiTableofContents…iiiIntroduction…1LiteratureReviewandResearchQuestion…3ConceptualFramework…10Methodology…15Findings…20Demographics…20Immediatethoughts,feelings,andbehaviors…20Wantingtofixtherelationship…25Lifealterationscausedbytheaffair…28Griefandloss…35Copingstrategies…47Discussion…53StrengthsandLimitations…55Implications…57Conclusion…58References…60AppendicesAppendixA:LetterofInformedConsent…63AppendixB:InterviewQuestions…66AppendixC:ListofResourcesforTherapyandSupport………….
67GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS1IntroductionWhencouplesenterintoacommittedrelationship,itistypicallycharacterizedbyanassumptionofexclusivityandcommitmentregardingsexualandemotionalintimacy(Fife,Gambescia,&Weeks,2008).
Beinginacommittedandlovingrelationshipcultivatesasenseofbelonging,andthedevotionassociatedwithitcreatesfeelingsofsecurityandstability(Fife,Filbert&Weeks,2013).
Breakingthatdevotioninarelationshipcanresultinareductionoffeelingsofsecurityandstability(Fife,etal.
,2013).
Abetrayalofsexualoremotionalintimacyinacommittedmarriageisknownasanextramaritalaffair(Fife,etal.
,2008).
Extramaritalaffairsarealsocommonlyreferredtoasinfidelity(Atkins,Baucom,&Jacobson,2001).
Infidelityisdefinedas"asecretsexual,romantic,oremotionalinvolvementthatviolatesthecommitmenttoanexclusiverelationship"(Fincham&Hall,2006).
Withinfidelity,emotionaland/orsexualintimacyissharedwithsomeoneexternaloftheprimaryrelationshipormarriagewithoutthepermissionoftheotherindividualintherelationship(Fife,etal.
,2008).
Thediscoveryofanaffaircanhavedevastatingandlastingimpactonthebetrayedorinjuredpartner(Baucom,Gordon,&Snyder,2008).
Theviolationofexclusivityandcommitmentaffectstherelationshiponmultiplelevelsincludingemotional,financial,mental,andphysical(Fife,etal.
2008).
Thediscoveryofanextramaritalaffairoftenleadstouncertainty,numerouslosses,anddeepandlastingpain(Fifeetal.
,2008).
Thebetrayedpartnerwilloftenfeelintenseemotionsofshame,depression,powerlessness,andabandonment.
Feelingsofrage,shock,numbnesss,anddenialcanalsoprecipitateGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS2(Baucometal.
,2008;Baucom,Gordon,&Snyder,2004;Fifeetal.
,2008;Fincham&Hall,2006).
SurveyshaverevealedthatthemajorityofpeopleintheUnitedStatesexpectmonogamyandcommitmentinmarriage,anddisapproveofextramaritalaffairs(Allen,Atkins,Baucom,Snyder,Gordon&Glass,2005).
Approximately97%ofsurveyrespondentsagreedthatpartnersshouldnotengageinanextramaritalaffairduringmarriage.
Despitethismajoritydisapproval,manyindividualsengageininfidelitywithintheconfinesofmarriage(Allen,etal.
,2005).
IntheUnitedStates,theamountofmarriagesthatexperienceanextramaritalaffairrangesfrom20%to40%dependingonageandgender(Atkins,Hahlweg,Klann,Lo,&Marin,2010;Peluso&Spina,2008).
Morespecifically,approximately22%to25%ofmenand11%to15%ofwomenindicateinvolvementinanextramaritalaffair(Allen,etal.
,2005;Atkins,etal.
,2001).
Ofcouplesthathavedivorced,40%ofwomenand44%ofmenreportedmorethanoneinstanceofsexualdeviancyduringtheirmarriage(Baucom,etal.
,2008).
Accurateandconsistentstatisticsregardinginfidelityprevalenceareconsidereddifficulttoconcludeduetothesensitivenatureofdisclosingextramaritalaffairs(Allen,etal.
,2005).
Infidelityisidentifiedasoneoftheleadingcausesofcouplesenteringcounseling(Fife,etal.
,2008).
Eventhoughinfidelityisaprominentreasonforcouplestoseekhelpfromtherapists,manytherapistsconsistentlyreportinfidelityasoneofthemostdifficultissuestoaddressandtreatincouple'scounseling(Baucom,etal.
,2008;Peluso&Spina,2008).
GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS3LiteratureReviewExtramaritalaffairsareacommonoccurrenceinmarriages,however,theresearchliteratureisverylimited(Allen,Atkins,Baucom,Snyder,Gordon&Glass,2005;Atkins,etal.
,2001;Atkins,Klann,Halweg,Marin,&Lo,2010;Bagarozzi,2008;Balzi,Bandini,Corona,Fisher,Forti,Maggi,Mannucci,Monami&Smith,2011;Baucometal.
,2004;Levine,1998;Peluso&Spina,2008;Abrahamson,Hussain,Khan&Schofield,2012).
Popularpressandmediahavewrittenagreatdealaboutextramaritalaffairs,however,scientificresearchregardingthissubjectisgreatlyunderstudied(Levine,2008).
Intheexistingresearch,multipletermsareusedtorefertoinfidelitydependingonspecificaspectsofthestudysuchaswhetherthecouplesaremarriedorwhethertheinfidelityinvolvessexualand/oremotionalbetrayal(Atkins,etal.
,2001).
Invaryingresearch,infidelityisreferredtoasextramaritalaffair,extramaritalsex,orextramaritalinvolvementiftheinfidelityoccurswithinthecontextofmarriage(Atkins,etal.
,2001).
Othertermstodescribeinfidelityincludeadultery,nonmonogomy,extradyadic,andaffairs(Atkins,etal.
,2001;Allen,etal.
,2005).
TypesofExtramaritalAffairsInanarticlebyWinekandCraven(2003),extramaritalaffairswerecategorizedintofivesubtypesincludingtheconflict-avoidantaffair,theintimacy-avoidantaffair,thesexualaddictionaffair,thesplit-selfaffair,andtheexitaffair.
Theconflictavoidanttypeinvolvesonepartnerintherelationshipbeingunableorunwillingtostandupforhisorherselfinconflict.
Thiscanleadtounresolvedconflictsduetosuppressedfeelingsandemotions(Craven&Winek,2003).
Theintimacy-avoidantaffairtypestrytoavoidintimacy,turninginsteadtoangerandviolence.
AffairscanactasanobstructionforGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS4intimacyandemphasizethecouple'scontemptforintimacy(Craven&Winek,2003).
Thecouplesinvolvedinasexualaddictionaffairaredealingwithoneorbothpartnersthathaveacompulsiontoseekromance,sex,orloveasawaytovalidatethemselvesorfillafeelingofemptiness.
Thesplit-selfaffairisusuallyengagedbysomeonewhofeelstheyhaveenduredalifetimeofself-sacrificeandcare-givingtoothers.
Thisaffairtypecanalsorefertoamidlifecrisisoremptynestaffair(Craven&Winek,2003).
Thelastextramaritalaffairtype,theexitaffair,isusedtodescribeinfidelitythatiscommittedinordertoendarelationshipandmarriage(Craven&Winek,2003,p.
252).
Morerecenttrendspointtopartnersunintentionallycrossingthelinefromfriendlyornonsexualfriendshipsintoromanticrelationships.
Thisseemstobemoreprevalentintheworkplaceandontheinternet(AmericanAssociationforMarriageandFamilyTherapy,2013).
Theseaffairsaresometimesreferredtoasemotionalaffairsbecausethereispotentialforgreateremotionalintimacythaninthemaritalrelationship,thecoupleparticipatingintheaffairkeepsitsecretfromthespouse,andthereissexualchemistrybetweentheextramaritalaffaircouple(AmericanAssociationforMarriageandFamilyTherapy,2013).
Extramaritalaffairscanalsorefertoacontinuumofsexualactingout.
Levine(2008)breaksthiscontinuumintofourcategories:affair,just-sex,making-dosex,andimaginarypartnersex.
Theaffairterminvolvesapersonal,emotional,andusuallylovingattachmentbetweentwopeople.
Thiscategorystartswithanemotionalconnectionthendevelopsintoincludingasexualrelationship(Levine,2008).
Anaffairinvolvespsychologicalintimacyandsexualconsummationwhichlendsitselftodiscussionsaboutfutureplansfortherelationship.
Thecategoryofjust-sexentailsexualencounterswithnoGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS5emotionalorsocialobligationtothepartner.
Thereisusuallynoattachmentbondmadewhenengaginginjust-sexarrangements(Levine,2008).
Thethirdcategoryismaking-dosex,alsoreferredtoascasualorconvenientsex.
Thistypeincludessexualrelationsandlittlepsychologicalconnection.
Theambivalenceoftherelationshipishighandthefutureofthecoupleislimited.
Thesemaking-dorelationsusuallylastuntilabetteropportunityarisesforthepartners.
ThefourthcategorythatLevine(2008)discussesaspartofthesexualactingoutcontinuuminextramaritalaffairsistheimaginarypartnersex.
Thisgroupingisassociatedwithhighpartneravoidanceandastrongneedandlongingformasturbation.
Imaginarypartnersexalsoincludesphonesexorsexualinternetconversationswithunknownparticipants(Levine,2008).
FactorsContributingtoParticipationinExtramaritalAffairsThereasonforanaffairisaquestionthatbetrayedpartnersmaycontemplateforalongtime(Craven&Winek,2003).
Reasonsthatindividualsengageinanextramaritalaffairareuniquetotheirlivesandsituations;however,researchershavesummarizedreasonsorjustificationsthatarefrequentlycited.
Thesefactorsinclude:1)sexualattraction,2)fulfillmentofunmetsexualneeds,3)satisfactionofunmetpsychologicalneeds,4)gratificationofunmetsocialneeds,5)asameanstoescapeandisappointingmarriage,6)tosatisfyaneedtodominatetheoppositesex,7)issuesregardingpowerandcontrol,8)fulfillmentoflove,9)drivenbysexualcompulsionsoraddictions,10)forpurposesofrevenge,11)havingimpulseandcontrolproblemsasaresultofsubstanceuse,12)havingloosesexualvaluesandmorals,13)opportunisticaffairs,suchasjob-relatedtravelandlongperiodsofnotseeingaspouse(Craven&Winek,2003).
IncomeGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS6andemployment,gender,relationshipsatisfaction,agewhenmarried,alsoaffectthelikelihoodofinfidelity(Atkins,Baucom,&Jacobson,2001).
Incomeandemployment.
InastudyconductedbyAtkins,Baucom,andJacobson(2001),findingsestablishedasignificantassociationbetweenincomeandemploymentandtheprobabilityforengaginginanextramaritalaffair.
Researchersfoundthatparticipantsearningover$30,000peryearwerepositivelycorrelatedtoratesofinfidelity.
Apossibleexplanationforthelikelihoodofinfidelityincreasingwithhighersalarywouldbethatitmaybeeasiertohideexpensesforentertainmentorgiftstoathirdparty.
Additionally,someonewithahighersalaryjobmayhaveahigherstatus,opportunitytotravelmore,andincreasedinteractionwithmoreappealingindividuals(Atkins,etal.
,2001).
Employmentstatushasadditionalinfluenceinregardstoopportunityandpowerintheprimaryrelationship.
Findingsconcludedthatthemaritalsituationwiththehighestchanceofinfidelityiswhenonespouseworksandonespousedoesnot(Atkins,etal.
,2001).
Situationsinwhichbothspousesdidnotworkreportedtheleastinstancesofinfidelity.
Onespeculationastothisdifferenceisthatspousesthatdidnotworkandwerebothathomemoreoftenhadlessopportunityforinfidelityandthediscrepancyinrelationshippowerwaslesssignificant(Atkins,etal.
,2001).
Gender.
Genderhasbeenafrequentlystudiedaspectofextramaritalaffairsinpreexistingliterature.
Studieshaveshownthatmenaremorelikelytoreportinfidelitythanwomen(Atkins,etal.
,2001).
Withinthegenderdifference,thereisalsoadifferenceinageandgender.
Men55to65yearsofagehadthehighestreportsofengaginginextramaritalaffairsasopposedtomenwhowereyoungerorolder(Atkins,etal.
,2001).
GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS7Findingsforwomenandageweresimilarinthatthehighestreportsofinfidelityoccurredinthecohortofwomenages40to45yearsofage;andtherewasreducedlikelihoodforwomenolderandyoungerthanthatcohort(Atkins,etal.
,2001).
Relationshipsatisfaction.
Relationshipsatisfactionhasastrongcorrelationtoparticipationinextramaritalaffairs.
ParticipantsinAtkins,Baucom,andJacobson'sstudythatreportedbeing"nottoohappy"withtheirmarriagewereapproximatelyfourtimesmorelikelytoreportengagementininfidelitythanparticipantswhoreportedbeing"veryhappy"intheirrelationships(Atkins,etal.
,2001).
Theresearchersfoundthisassociationtobeacontinuumbecauserespondentswhostatedbeing"prettyhappy"intheirmarriagesweretwiceaslikelytoreportinfidelitythanthoserespondentsinveryhappymarriages(Atkins,etal.
,2001).
Agewhenmarried.
Theagewhencouplesaremarriedisapredictingfactorinengaginginanextramaritalaffair.
Coupleswhohavebeenmarriedlongerhadmoretimetoparticipateininfidelity(Atkins,etal.
,2001).
Additionally,individualswhoweremarriedattheyoungestagesreportedthemostinstancesofinfidelity.
ThestudyfromAtkins,Baucom,andJacobson(2001)foundthatthelikelihoodofinfidelitywasgreatlyreducedwhentheageofmarriageincreasedfrom13yearsto23years.
Participantswhoweremarriedat16yearsofageoryoungerwere4.
5timesmorelikelytoreportengaginginanextramaritalaffairthanthoserespondentswhoweremarriedat23yearsofageorolder.
Respondents23yearsofageandolderdisplayednodifferenceintheirreportsofinfidelitywithintheirmarriage(Atkins,etal.
,2011).
Theresearchersspeculatedthatthisincreaseinlikelihoodofinfidelitywiththecoupleswhomarryyoungercouldbeduetothecircumstancesofthesemarriages.
SomeGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS8instanceswhencouplesmaymarryatayoungagecouldbeforearlypregnancyorimpulsivityinintimaterelationships.
Thisimpulsivitycouldresultinearlymarriageaswellasimpulsivityininvolvementwithotherpeople.
Youngmarriedcouplesmayalsohavetocontendwithparentdisapprovalorotherhardshipsthatcouldleadtomaritalissuesorinfidelity(Atkins,etal.
,2001).
EmotionalEffectsAfterDiscoveringanExtramaritalAffairTheeffectsofanextramaritalaffaircanlastevenpasttherelationshipwheretheaffairoccurred(Peluso&Spina,2008).
Emotionalreactionstothediscoveryofanextramaritalaffaircanincludeavastarrayofemotionssuchasrage,pain,jealousy,lust,confusion,andgrief(Peluso&Spina,2008).
Onecommonreactiontodiscoveringanextramaritalaffairmaybecontinuouslylookingforadditionalorongoingsignsofbetrayal.
Someonewhohasbeencheatedonmayalsofeelasthoughitisdifficulttotrustothers(Baucom,etal.
,2004;Fife,etal.
,2008).
Emotionalinstability.
Discoveringanddealingwithanextramaritalaffaircanleadonetofeelagreatdealofinstabilityintheirlife.
Itmaybedifficulttoregulateemotions,resultinginintensereactionssuchasragetowardthepartnerwhoparticipatedintheaffair,feelingsofshame,overwhelmingpowerlessness,victimization,andabandonment(Baucom,etal.
,2004).
Dailyactivitiescanbecomeimpairedandconcentrationcanbechallengedduetoconstantthoughtsabouttheaffair.
Themosttraumatizedbetrayedpartnerstendtobethosewhopossessedthegreatesttrustandwereleastsuspectingofanextramaritalaffair(AmericanAssociationforMarriageandFamilyTherapy,2013).
GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS9Depression.
Depressionisaprevalentsymptombetrayedpartnersmayexperienceasaresultoffindingtheirpartnerengagedininfidelity(Hall&Fincham,2006;O'Leary,2005).
Therearethreemajornegativeeventsinmarriagethatarelikelytoresultinclinicaldepressionofwiveswithinonemonthoftheevent.
Theseeventsincludephysicalaggressionagainstthewife,threateningtodivorce,anddiscoveringanextramaritalaffair(Cano&O'Leary,2000;O'Leary,2005).
Forwomenwithoutahistoryofdepression,theprobabilityofbecomingdepressedafterdiscoveringanextramaritalaffairwas38%(Avery-Leaf,Christian-Herman,&O'Leary,2002).
Forwomenwithprevioushistoryofdepression,thelikelihoodofbecomingdepressedagainafterlearningofinfidelitywas72%(Cano&O'Leary,2000).
AccordingtoCanoandO'Leary(2000),wivesweremorelikelytobecomedepressedafterdiscoveringanextramaritalaffairthanafterbeingthevictimofmoderatephysicalaggressionsuchaspushing,slapping,orshoving.
Attachmentinjury.
Attachmenttheoryemphasizesthehumannaturetocreateandmaintainpowerfulemotionalandaffectionatebondstosignificantothers(Craven&Winek,2003).
Attachmenttheoryinrelationtoinfidelitylooksatthebrokenemotionalattachmentandbetrayalfromaspousetotheirpartner.
Thebetrayedpartneriswithoutemotionalsupportandcanbeconsideredvulnerableiftheyhavedifficultyregulatingemotionsafterthediscoveryoftheaffair(Craven&Winek,2003).
Evenifbothpartiesarewillingtoimprovethemarriageandtrytomoveon,memoriesoftheinfidelitymayremainandinterruptdailylife.
Thisresultfromthebetrayalcandevelopinto"attachmentinjury.
"Attachmentinjurystemsfrombetrayalresultinginabandonmentand/ordamageoftrustintherelationship(Craven&Winek,2003).
GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS10ResearchQuestionThisresearchprojectaskedthequestion:Whatarethebetrayedpartner'sexperienceswithgriefandlossfollowingthediscoveryofanextramaritalaffairwithintheirmarriageThisquestionwasdesignedtobuilduponexistingliteratureregardingextramaritalaffairs.
Researchparticipantshelpedtoaddressthisresearchquestionbyansweringopen-endedquestionsinaninterviewwiththeresearcher.
ConceptualFrameworkThefollowingsectionwilldescribetheframeworkthroughwhichthisstudyhasbeenconducted.
Theconceptualframeworkisthelensthattheresearcherusestounderstandtheinformationcollectedthroughouttheresearchprocess.
Theconceptualframeworkcanhelptoshapeformulationoftheresearchquestionandunderstandingofthethemesofthedata.
TheresearcherhasselectedGriefandLossTheoryaswellasAmbiguousLossTheoryastheconceptualframeworksforthisstudy.
GriefandLossTheoryLossiscreatedwhenindividualsexperienceanegativeeventthatproduceslong-termalterationstotheirrelationship,thoughtsandemotions,andsocialsituations(Hooyman&Kramer,2006).
Alossreferstonolongerhavingsomethingorsomeonethatusedtobeapartoftheirlife.
Lossprecedesgrief,whichistheinstinctiveandnormalresponsetolosses(Hooyman&Kramer,2006).
AccordingtoHooymanandKramer(2006),griefisthe"normalpsychological,social,andphysicalreactiontoaloss.
Itisexperiencedthroughourfeelings,thoughts,andattitudes;ourbehaviorwithothers;andGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS11ourhealthandbodilysymptoms.
Whenwegrieve,everyaspectofourlivesisthrownoutofbalance.
"Thegrieftaskmodelsuggeststhattherearesettasksthatneedtobeaccomplishedbeforeapersoncancompletetheirmourning(Hooyman&Kramer,2006).
However,recentresearchhasrecognizedthatgriefoperatesinacyclicalfashionratherthanastraightlinewithfixedtasks.
Researchersnowconceptualizethegriefprocessasphases.
Thefirstphaseofthegriefprocessisavoidance,whichincludesfeelingssuchasshock,numbness,denial,anddisbelief.
Inthisphase,individualsmayalsofeelanxiety,fear,anddisorganization(Hooyman&Kramer,2006).
Grievingindividualsinthisphasemayattempttogatherasmuchinformationastheycaninordertogainsomecontrolandunderstandingofthesituation.
Othersmighttrytoavoidthegriefbyfocusingonhousehold,family,orfinancialtasks(Hooyman&Kramer,2006).
Confrontation,thesecondphaseofthegriefprocess,isthephasewhengriefisthemostintenseandincludesfeelingssuchasextremesadness,guiltorblamingoneself,helplessness,panic,confusion,andfeelingpowerless(Hooyman&Kramer,2006).
Thereisawiderangeofemotionsthatchangesfromangerandragetodespair,lossoffaith,andafeelingofinjusticeordisillusionment.
Thelastphaseofgriefisconsideredtobeaccommodation,whenthebereavingindividualslowly"moveson"andlearnstolivewiththeloss(Hooyman&Kramer,2006).
Thegriefprocessisdoesnothaveadefinitiveend,sincelossproducespermanentchangesandsecondarylossesthroughouttheindividual'slife(Hooyman&Kramer,2006).
GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS12Peoplearelikelytoexperiencemultiplemajorlossesthroughoutlife.
Theselossesstayinourconsciousnessandalterpeople'slives,includingcreatingafeelingoflackofcontrol.
Animportantpartofexperiencingagriefprocessissearchingformeaningandtryingtochoosehowwereacttothoselosses(Hooyman&Kramer,2006).
Majorlossreferstomorethandeathanddying.
Therelationshipthatanindividualhadwithsomeoneimpactsthemagnitudeofthelossandresultinggriefprocess(Hooyman&Kramer,2006).
Forexample,ifsomeoneisdivorcingtheirpartnerof30years,thatlossmaybegreaterthanthedeathofadistantrelative(Hooyman&Kramer,2006).
Losingsomeonethroughdivorceorseparationislikelosingapartofone'sself.
Thistypeoflosscanhaveconsequencesthatarefeltoverandoveragain,andcanbe"regrieved"throughoutlife(Hooyman&Kramer,2006).
HooymanandKramer(2006)providetheexampleofexperiencingmultiplelossesfollowingdivorce.
Afteradivorce,secondarylossesoffriends,income,andin-lawsmayoccur,inadditiontostirringuppreviousfeelingsfromlossesduringchildhood(Hooyman&Kramer,2006).
Griefwillbeacontinuouscompanionthroughoutlifedespitehowmuchtimehaspassed.
Partoflivingwiththatgriefincludeslearningtobeopentojoyinadditiontosadness(Hooyman&Kramer,2006).
Intoday'ssociety,manydonotfeelcomfortablediscussinglossandgrief,butitisincrediblyimportanttoshareone'sstoryoflossandgrief.
Searchingformeaningisavitalaspectofconfrontingloss.
Thechallengeliesintryingtomakemeaningwherenomeaningseemstoexist(Hooyman&Kramer,2006).
Confrontinglossandcreatingmeaningcanleadtodeeperawareness,sensitivity,compassion,andnewwisdom(Hooyman&Kramer,2006)GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS13ShatteredDreamsShattereddreamsreferstothelossoftheideaorimagesthatapersonhadintheirmindofwhattheirindividualandfamilyfuturewouldlooklike(Bowman,1999).
Thesedreamscarryagreatemotionalinvestment,andwhentheseexpectationsareinterruptedordonothappen,griefisexperienced(Bowman,1999).
Bowman(1999)offeredthisdefinitionofshattereddreams,orlossofdreams:thelossofanemotionallyimportantimageofoneself,one'sfamily,orone'ssituation;thelossofwhatmighthavebeen;abandonmentofplansforaparticularfuture;thedyingofdreams.
Thiskindoflossisusuallysurroundedbyotherlossesthatmaybemoreconspicuous,includingmateriallosses,relationshiplosses,healthlosses,lossofroles,andsystemiclossesmeaningchangesinsystems(Bowman,1999).
Thedisruptionorlossofone'sfuturestorycanbeconsideredalargepartofbereavement(Bowman,1999).
Oneofthemostdifficultissuesforindividualsexperiencinggriefistheformationofanewidentity(Bowman,1999).
Oneimportantaspectoffacingthelossofdreamsistoputanametoit.
Anothercriticalpieceistogivecredibilitytosomeone'sstoryandacknowledgethatthislossisamajorsourceofgrief.
Ifsomeone'sstoryisnotheardorcannotbeopenlyexpressedandacknowledged,thenitisreferredtoasdisenfranchisedgrief(Bowman,1999).
Thelossofone'sdreamsmeanstheperceivedpotentialforthefuturediestoo.
Therefore,individualsmustpursueinsidethemselvestheseedsforadifferentdream(Hooyman&Kramer,2006).
Inthecaseofextramaritalaffairsresultingindivorce,GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS14individualsmustletgoofthosedreamsinadditiontoeverythingthatwasinvestedintherelationship.
AmbiguousLossAmbiguouslossreferstoalossthatentailsuncertaintyandchallengeswiththeprocessofgainingclosure(Boss,2006).
Ambiguityinconjunctionwithalosscanposegreatbarrierstocopingandgrieving.
Thiscanleadtopsychological,physiological,andrelationalharm(Boss,2006).
Traumacanbebroughtonbyambiguouslossduetothelackofcontrolorabilitytoresolvetheissue.
Thisthencanleadtouncertainty,shock,pain,distress,andimmobilization(Boss,2006).
Thistraumacanbecomechronicifclosureisnotattained.
Inabilitytogainclosurecanbedifficulttoacceptinamodernsocietythatvaluesmastery.
Mostpeoplearenotcomfortablebeinginasituationthatisoutsideoftheircontrol,whichismanytimesthecasewhenambiguouslossisinvolved(Boss,2006).
Inaculturethattendstovaluemastery,grievingisacceptable,butitisexpectedthattheprocessshouldbequickandpeopleshouldbebacktowork.
Theprocessofgrievingandclosurewithambiguouslossisdifferentthanordinarylossbecausethereisnodefinitiveidentificationofaloss(Boss,2006).
Thislong-termpreoccupationwithlosswasdefinedbyFreudas"complicatedgrief"or"melancholia"(Boss,2006).
Therearetwotypesofambiguousloss,onebeingalovedonewhoisphysicallyabsentbutpsychologicallypresent,andthesecondbeingalovedonewhoisphysicallypresentbutpsychologicallymissing(Boss,2006).
Intheeventofambiguouslossinvolvingphysicalpresenceandpsychologicalabsence,peoplemaybecomepreoccupiedwiththeloss.
ThiscanleadtoimpairmentoffunctioningintheirusualresponsibilitiesGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS15andrelationships(Boss,2006).
Withambiguousloss,relationalandemotionalprogressionhaltsanddailytasksarenotcompleted.
Manytimespeopledonotknowhowtoactorwhattodo(Boss,2006).
Ambiguouslossproducesimmenseamountsofstress.
Boundariesandclosurewiththeselossesareunclear(Boss,2006).
Physicalpresencewithpsychologicalabsence,orviceversa,canresultinboundaryambiguityforindividualsorfamilies.
Thisboundaryambiguityinvolvednotknowingwhoisinandwhoisoutofthefamilyorrelationship(Boss,2006).
Anincreaseinboundaryambiguityisariskfactorfordepression,familialconflict,andphysicalmanifestationsofstress(Boss,2006).
MethodsResearchDesignThepurposeofthisstudywastogaininsightintothebetrayedpartner'slossesthatareexperiencedafteranextramaritalaffairandthegriefprocessthatfollows.
Aqualitativeapproachwasusedtointerviewparticipants.
Qualitativeresearchhelpedtounderstandthemeanings,concepts,characteristics,symbols,andnarrativeofthings(Berg,2007).
Inordertocollectinformationregardingthebetrayedpartner'sexperienceswithgriefandloss,participantswereaskedtoanswerquestionsinaface-to-faceorphoneinterview.
Thequalitativequestionsconsistedofopen-endedquestionsthataddresseddemographics,shattereddreams,losses,copingmechanisms,andotherthoughtsandfeelingsthathavebeenaffectedbytheextramaritalaffair.
Afterdatacollection,resultsweretranscribedandanalyzedtoidentifythemes.
GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS16SampleandRecruitmentThesamplingmethodusedforthisstudyincludedconveniencesampling,alsoknownasavailabilitysampling(Berg,2007;Monette,Sullivan,&DeJong,2011).
Conveniencesamplingisanonprobabilitysamplingstrategythatreliesonobtainingparticipantswhoareavailable.
Nonprobabilitysamplesareusefulwhentryingtoaccesssensitiveorhard-to-reachpopulations,suchasbetrayedpartnersinextramaritalaffairs(Berg,2007;Monette,Sullivan,&DeJong,2011).
Thesampleforthisstudyincludedthebetrayed/injuredpartnerwithinapresentorpastmarriageduringwhichthepartner'sspousewasinvolvedinanextramaritalaffair.
Duetothedifficultyinreachingparticipants,thecriteriaforthestudywerebroad.
Therewerenolimitationsonthesampleinregardstogender,age,typeofinfidelity,ornumberofyearsinthemarriage.
Therewerenospecificationsastowhetherthecoupleisstillmarriedorhaddivorced.
TheinitialplanforrecruitmentwastoobtainasamplefromsupportgroupsandmentalhealthormarriagepractitionersintheTwinCitiesmetroarea.
Afterreachingoutnumeroustimestotheseagencies,norecruitmentwasallowedatthesesites.
Twoparticipantswererecruitedfromindividualswhoknewofthestudyandtoldtheirfriendsaboutit.
Theyprovidedtheinformationtotheirfriends,whothenreachedoutandaskedtoparticipateinaninterview.
TheremainingfourparticipantswererecruitedfromanadvertisementpostedonthewebsiteCraigslist.
Thisadvertisementexplainedthedetailsofthestudy,requirementsforparticipation,voluntarynatureofthestudy,andthattheinterviewswillbeofferedviaphoneonlyandnocompensationwillbeprovided.
ThefourparticipantsrecruitedviaGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS17Craigslistparticipatedinphoneinterviews,butthetwootherparticipantsoptedforphoneinterviewsduetolivingfaraway.
Thesampleincludedtwofemalesandfourmales.
ParticipantslivedinvariousareasacrossthecountryincludingWashington,Minnesota,Wisconsin,Iowa,WashingtonD.
C.
,andMichigan.
ProtectionofHumanSubjectsDuetothesensitivenatureofaskingbetrayedpartnerstodiscusstheirexperienceswithinfidelity,precautionsweretakentoprotecttheprivacyandconfidentialityofparticipants.
TheInstitutionalReviewBoard(IRB)attheUniversityofSaintCatherineconductedafullreviewofthestudyinordertodetermineifthestudywasethicalandensuredprotectionofhumansubjects.
Furtherprecautionsweretakenbyaskingtheparticipanttoreadandsignaconsentform(SeeAppendixA).
Theconsentformprovidedinformationonthebackgroundandpurposeofthestudy.
Itincludedpotentialbenefitsandrisksassociatedwithparticipation.
Theparticipantsweretoldintheconsentformthattheywerefreetowithdrawfromthestudyorstoptheinterviewatanypoint.
Theconsentformsinformedparticipantsthatinterviewswouldbetape-recorded.
Informationwillbekeptontheresearcher'spasswordprotectedpersonalcomputer,andtapesandtranscriptswillbedestroyedbyMay25,2014.
Theformincludedcontactinformationfortheresearcher,researchchairthatoverseesthestudy,andthechairoftheSt.
CatherineUniversityInstitutionalReviewBoard.
DataCollectionAfterbeingunabletorecruitfromalocalsupportgroupandlocaltherapyoffices,recruitmentwasconductedviaCraigslistandpeoplewhoreferredthestudytotheirGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS18friends.
Whenindividualswereinterestedinparticipating,theycontactedtheresearcherdirectlytoreceivemoreinformationandtoreceiveaninformedconsentform.
Aftercompletinganinformedconsentform,theparticipantsweregiventheoptionofcompletinganin-personintervieworaphoneinterview.
TheparticipantsrecruitedviaCraigslistwereofferedonlyphoneinterviewsasasafetyprecaution.
Theinformedconsentformwasfilledoutandemailedtotheresearcher'sstudentemailaddress.
Thelengthoftimeforinterviewsrangedbetween45minutestoalmosttwohours.
Aftercompletionoftheinterview,theparticipantwasofferedinformationforcommunityresourcesregardingcopingwithanextramaritalaffair(SeeAppendixC).
TheresourcelistwascompiledwiththeexpectationthatparticipantswouldberecruitedfromtheTwinCitiesarea.
However,sincetheparticipantslivedinvariousstatesacrossthecountry,theexistingresourcelistwasnotapplicable.
Theresearcherthenofferedtoconferwiththeresearchchairpersonandcompilealistofresourcesintheparticipant'sarea.
OnlyoneparticipantwholivedinMinnesotaaskedtobeemailedtheresourcelist.
Allotherparticipantsdeclinedduetoalreadyhavingestablishedsupportgroupsandindividualtherapists.
Thedataforthisresearchwascollectedusingasemi-structuredinterviewwithopen-endedquestions.
Semi-structuredinterviewsinvolvepredeterminedquestionsandtopicsthathavetheflexibilitytochangeslightlydependingontheparticipant(Berg,2007;DeJong,Monette,Sullivan,2011).
Thequestionswereaskedinaconsistentorder,buttherewasfreedomtodigressorprobeforfurtherinformation(Berg,2007;DeJong,etal.
,2011).
GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS19Theinterviewconsistedofsixpredeterminedquestions(AppendixB)including:1)WhatisyourageandgenderHowlongwereyouandyourspousemarriedorcontinuetobemarried2)Ifyouarewilling,pleasedescribeyourexperiencewithinfidelityinyourmarriage.
3)Everyonehasadifferentresponsetoinfidelity,andIamwonderinghowyourthoughts,feelings,andbehaviorshavebeenaffectedbythisaffair4)Howhaveyou,ifatall,experiencedlossesorgriefasaresultoftheinfidelity5)Somebetrayedpartnersmayexperiencegriefasaresultoflifeexpectationsthatyouhadforyouandyourspousenotgoingashoped.
Howhaveyourlifeexpectationsordreamsalteredasaresultoftheinfidelity6)WhathashelpedyouincopingwiththeaffairDataAnalysisGroundedtheoryapproachwasusedtoanalyzedatacollectedfromtheinterviews.
Groundedtheoryallowsthetheorytodevelopandemergefromthedatacollectedfromtheparticipants(DeJong,etal.
,2011).
Theinterviewwasaudiorecordedthentranscribed.
Informationgatheredfromtheinterviewparticipantswastranscribedandreadbytheresearcher.
Thedatawasthencodedbywritingshortdescriptionstosmallportionsofthedata.
Codingisthetermusedforbreakingupthedataintocategories(DeJong,etal.
,2011;Berg,2007).
Codingfromqualitativedataisdifferentfromcodingquantitativedatainthatthemesfromqualitativedataemergefromthedatacollectedduringtheinterviews,andcodingfromquantitativedatatypicallyincludesdatafrompreexistingtheory(DeJongetal.
,2011).
Afterdatawascoded,thecodeswerereviewedtoidentifyemergingthemeswithinparticipants'experiences.
Thecodingfromallparticipants'datawasreviewedtoconstructthemesthatweremostprevalent(DeJong,etal.
,2011).
GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS20FindingsDemographicsThesampleincludedtwofemalesandfourmales,rangingbetweentheagesof32and51.
Thelengthofmarriageforparticipantsrangedfromtwoyearsto11years.
Theamountoftimethathadlapsedsincetheparticipantshaddiscoveredtheextramaritalaffairstothetimeoftheinterviewrangedfromonemonthtofiveyears.
Allparticipantspursuedandattaineddivorcefollowingthediscoveryoftheextramaritalaffairs.
Threeofthesixparticipantshadmultiplechildrenwiththeirex-spouses.
Thenumberofpartnersthatthebetrayershadduringtheaffairsrangedfromonepartnertoover50partners.
Pseudonymsareusedinthefindingsinordertomaintainconfidentiality.
Therewasawidearrayofdiversityinthestoriessurroundingtheparticipants'experienceswithinfidelity.
Theextramaritalaffairsrangedfromsexualencounterswithaprostitutewhileoverseasinthemilitary,toaffairswithco-workers,toinfidelityresultingfromfindingmultiplepartnersonline.
Despitethevastarrayofstoriessurroundingtheextramaritalaffairs,therewerecommonthemesandexperiencesfeltbythebetrayedpartners.
Thethemesthatemergedfromthisstudyinclude:immediatethoughts,feelings,andbehaviorsfollowingthediscoveryofinfidelity,wantingtofixtherelationship,lifealterationscausedbytheaffair,griefandloss,andcopingstrategies.
ImmediateThoughts,Feelings,andBehaviorsFollowingDiscoveryofInfidelityThisstudyaskedparticipantstodiscusstheirthoughts,feelings,andbehaviorsexperiencedimmediatelyafterdiscoveringtheextramaritalaffair.
Manyoftheparticipantsreportedfeelings,thoughts,andbehaviorsthatcanbedescribedasshock,anger,disbelief,andconfusion.
GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS21Shock.
Oneparticipant,Martha,expressedshockafterdiscoveringtheidentityofherex-husband'spartnerintheaffair.
Shestated:"IwasshockedwhenIfoundoutsoitdidn'tmatterbutinthegrandschemeofthingshewassleepingwiththiswomanthatIthoughtwasextremelyunattractive.
"BothMarthaandJohnwereshockedtofindoutabouttheirpartners'extramaritalaffairsbecausetheybelievedtheyhadagreatlifeandgreatmarriage.
Martha,describedherfeelingsas:"Soyeah,anger,extremeangerandshock.
AndIthoughtwehadsuchagreatmarriage.
Iwasshocked.
"Johnexpressedasimilarsentimentabouttheshockofdiscoveringtheaffairs,despitehisviewofhavingagreatlifetogether.
Heprovidedthisaccount:"Ontheoutsideandinsidewehadagreatlifetogether,Ithought.
Everythingsocially,sexually,andfinanciallyexceptforhisshoppingsprees.
Itwasagreatlife.
AndhisangertowardsmenowisthatIhavetheaudacitytoleavehim.
"Johnwentontodescribethelastofmanyverbalargumentsthatoccurredbetweenhimandhishusbandafterthediscovery,andtheshockinginformationthatwastoldtohim:"Andhisresponsewas,youknowIhaveaproblem,whycan'tyoustayoutofmyfuckingbusiness,itisn'tanyofyourfuckingbusiness.
Iwaslike,seriouslyWhatdoyoumeanit'snoneofmyfuckingbusinessAndhislastbombshelltomewas,'bythewayI'mpositive,justthoughtI'dletyouknow'.
"Anger.
Johndescribedhowheisnottypicallyaviolentorangryman,butthemultipleaffairsinadditiontofindingoutthatheneededtogettestedforhumanimmunodeficiencyvirusmadehimangrierthanhehaseverfeltbefore.
HeGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS22recountedthisendingtoafight:"SohewalkedoutthegaragedoorandIthrewmycellphoneathiscarandcrackedhiswindshield.
"Timexpressedfeelingangrywhenhefirstfoundoutabouttheaffair,andhowhecontinuedtofeelangrybecauseheisstillfightingforcustodyofhissecondchild.
Timdescribedaninitialreactionofanger:"WellIwaspissed,Imean,whatdoyouexpect.
Iwassteaming.
Thisbitch,Iputherthroughcollege,shewasonwelfarewhenImether.
Iputherthroughcollege,Iadoptedherson,andnowthisAreyoukiddingme"Shortlyaftertheinfidelitywasrevealed,Timdescribedhowhisex-wifetoldtheirchildrenliestoexplainwhytheyweregettingadivorce.
Heexpressedhisangerandfrustrationwiththisstatement:"Shecouldhavetoldthekidsanythingastowhymommyanddaddyweregettingadivorce.
Shechosetotellthem,'daddy'smean,daddywasabusive,Ihadtogo'.
Soitreallyburnedmethatshecouldhavetoldthemanythinginsteadshechosetofabricateastorytojustifyherbehavior.
"SimilartoJohn,Marthaillustratedexpressingbehaviorthatisabnormalforheruponfirstdiscoveringherhusband'saffair.
Marthadescribed:"Somyfirstreactionwassuperanger[…]And,thisissooutofcharacter,butIdrovetothedumpiestshitholebarandwalkedinat10inthemorningandsatwithlikethreetoothlessstranger[s]andorderedmyselfthreeshotsofwhiskeyandIwassomad.
"Marthawentontodiscusstheactionsthatshetookduetoherangerandhurt.
Sherecounteddrivingtoherhusband'scompany'sCEOandtellinghimthatherhusbandandGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS23afellowco-workerhavebeenhavinganaffair.
Followingthatencounter,Marthadrovetohermother-in-law'shouseandtoldherthis:"IlookedathismotherandIsaid,'doyouknowthatyourson'sbeengettinghiscocksuckedoffby(nameremoved)'Like,Isaiditjustlikethat.
Like,Iwassupervulgar,supermad.
Andshejustlookedatmeandbawledhereyesout.
I'mlike,'andhe'sbeenfucking(nameremoved)!
'ImeanIwassupervulgar,crazy,andliketohisparent'sface.
AndIdon'ttalklikethat.
"Intersectionofconfusionanddisbelief.
Fourofthesixparticipantsprovidedstatementsthatseemedtoconveyconfusionandsomedisbeliefafterfindingouttheirpartnerswerehavinganextramaritalaffair.
Janewondered:"Youthink,WhyWhat'sbetteraboutthatpersonWhywouldtheydothattomeYou'rethepersonthey'resupposedtowanttospendtherestoftheirlifewith,notseekoutothers.
ButjusttotalnumbanddisbeliefIthinkiswhatreallygoesthroughyourhead.
"Inthispassage,Janedescribedreplayingscenariosinherheadandexpressedsomeconfusionastowheresheandherhusbandstoodasacouple:"Andthenit'skindoflike,youjustkeepreplayingthesethingsthatyoureallydon'thaveanyideaaboutbutyoukeepreplayingthem.
Likethingstheycouldbedoingortheycouldhavedoneandit'snotthatyouhavetoknowthedetailsnecessarily,it'sjustthingsyouthinkandstartweighingyourselfdownwiththeirrelationshipandwhatdidtheydoandwhat'sthatotherpersonlike.
Ithinkalotofitismadeupinyourhead.
ButdefinitelythenumbandreplayingthingsoverGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS24andoverinyourheadaboutwhatthey'redoingandwhereyoustandasacouple.
"Additionally,Janedescribedherexperiencewhenshetriedtoconfrontherex-husbandtoreceiveanswerstoherquestions:"InthebeginningIwastryingto,askinghim,'howcouldyoudothis'.
Istuckbyyouallthistime,wehavetwokids.
Buttherewasnorealresponseotherthannamecalling.
Nomatureconversationaboutwhatwentwrong.
"John,Mark,andJoeallhadsimilarfirstreactionswhendiscoveringtheaffairs.
John'sfirstreactionwas:"WhatdidIdowrong"Healsomentionedthat:"Thisismyfourthrelationshipandtheyhavealwayscheatedonme.
"Inhisimmediatereaction,Markaskedthequestion:"WhatdidIdowrongItwasalltryingtofigureoutwhatIdidwrongwastheinitialresponse.
"Joe'sfirstresponseissimilartoMark'sandJohn'sinwonderingwhytheinfidelityhappened.
Joerecalledaskinghisex-wife:"TheonlythingIwantedtoknowwas,whydidthishappenWhydidyouchoosetodestroythelifethatwehadYouknow,throwawaytheeightyearsofrelationship,sixandahalfyearsofmarriage.
"BothJaneandMarthadescribedsomeinitialfeelingsofdisbeliefthattheirhusbandswouldactuallyhaveanaffair.
Janeexplainedherfeelings:"WellIthinkinitiallyinallcases,becausetomethey'reallsimilar.
Butit'sdisbelief,youjustdon'twanttobelieveit.
"Marthabelievedsheandherhusbandhadagreatmarriageandhome.
Sheexpressedherdisbelief:"Ithoughtweweresuchagreathusbandandwife,wehadsuchGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS25agreatmarriage.
Wejustboughtourdreamhome,thishalfmillion-dollardreamhomeonthewater.
Like,there'snowayhewoulddothis.
"Wantingtofixtherelationship.
Alloftheparticipantsexpresseddesirestomendtheirmarriages.
Thistypicallyincludedassessingwhatwassalvageableintherelationship,thenseekingcounselingtohelpfacilitatetheprocessofrepairingthemarriage.
Johnexplainedthelengthshewenttoinanattempttosatisfyhishusbandsohewouldremainfaithfulinthemarriage.
Heexplained:"AndIguessIkeptonthinking,themoreIwoulddoforhim,Icouldmakehimhappier,IcouldmakehimsuccessfulbecauseIwasalwaysbyhisside.
IneversaidnotohimandIsoldabeautifulhomeIhadtobuythismassivesixbedroom,fivebath,4,000squarefoothomebecausethat'swhathewanted.
"Joeknewimmediatelythathewantedtofixtherelationship.
Hestated:"Iconfrontedherandsaidthere'ssomethingwrongwithourrelationshipandIwanttofixit.
"Counseling.
Halfoftheparticipantsencouragedtheirpartnerstoattendcounselinginanattempttorebuildtherelationship.
Marthadecidedtopursuecouple'scounselingafterherhusbandtoldherinAugust,"Ijustdon'tloveyouanymore.
"Atthispointshewasunawareoftheinfidelity.
Shebelieveditwasbecauseshewaspregnantandwasnotassexuallyactiveatthetime.
Marthastated:"Andwewentthroughcounselinganditwasn'tuntilJanuarythatIfoundout.
"InJanuary,Marthadiscoveredtheextramaritalaffairandfiledfordivorce.
Johndescribedconsistentlyencouraginghishusbandtoseekcounseling.
Evenafterhefoundoutaboutthefirstinstancesofinfidelity,Johnsaid:"Thingshappen,IGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS26forgive,andI'mafirmbelieverintherapy.
"Afterdiscoveringhishusband'songoingaffairswithmultiplepeople,Johnconfrontedhispartner,whichhedescribes:"Iconfrontedhimagainandheadmittedthathecheatedandthatwasactuallythefirsttimeheadmitteditandalsotoldmehewashavingemotionalproblemsandwasstressedoutatworkandthathewantedustogotoatherapist.
"Johnfurtherexplainedthateventhoughhispartnerstatedhewantedtogotoatherapist,Johnbelievesheonlysaidittoappeasehimsohewouldstayintherelationshiplonger.
Johnsaidafterayearandahalf,hispartnerneverwenttotherapy,whichwasoneofthereasonshedecidedtofilefordivorce.
Janeexperiencedasimilarsituationofturmoiloverwhethertostayintherelationshiporleave.
Shedecidedtoseekcouple'scounseling.
Janestated:"Atthatpointwehadgonethroughsomecounseling.
Ihadreallyconsiderednotstayingwithhimbuthewasbeggingmeandsayinghewouldneverdoitagain.
"Salvagingtherelationship.
Someoftheparticipantsdiscussedwantingtostaywiththeirpartnersanddeterminewhatwouldbesalvageablewiththeirrelationship.
Johnemphasizedthatheconsidershimselfafixerandacommunicator.
Heexplainedhisfriends'reactionswhenhefirststarteddatinghispartner:"AndIhadsomepeoplewhowarnedmeabouthiminthebeginningabouthispast.
Butitwashispastofmanyyearsago.
SoIoverlookedit.
Icommunicatedwithhimaboutittomakesureitwasn'tsomethingthatwasstillgoingon.
AndpeoplecanchangeandsoIbelievedhim.
"Johnbroughtupagainthatheoverlookedredflagssuchashispartnerhavingpreviousaffairsandstillhavingcontactwithex-boyfriends.
Heexplained:GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS27"SoIoverlookeditandinsteadofitbeingatotalredflag,becauseI'macommunicator,sowhenIgettheresponsethatIthinkIwanttohear,Iresolveitandmoveonandletitgo.
"Johndescribedasessionwithhistherapistduringwhichhespokeaboutwhathefelthedidwrongtomakehispartnerhavetheaffair.
Johncommentedonthesession:"Soshehadtoseethattooandshe'slike,"youdidnothingwrong,whydoyoufeeltheneedtoblameyourself"andIwouldsay,'becauseIcouldn'tfixit'.
I'mafixer.
That'swhatIdobest.
Mostpeoplewouldhaveleftalongtimeago.
"AfterJanediscoveredthefirstextramaritalaffair,sheexplainedthatsheverymuchwantedtomendthemarriageandkeepthefamilytogether.
Herex-husbandhadrequestedtobeseparated,butagreedtoremainmarried.
Healsodemandedthatshemoveoutofthehousewiththeirchildren.
Janedescribedthelengthsshewentgotokeepherfamilyintact:"Butheendedupsleepingwithaco-workerandtheydidn'thavemuchofarelationshipoutsideofobviouslysex.
ButIwantedmyfamilytowork.
Youknow,IdideverythingIcould,askedhimtojustcomeback.
Andsoafterhimsleepingwithaco-worker,mindyouwewereseparatedbutstillmarried,hewouldcomeoverandseeme.
"Whenaskedwhatmotivatedhertotrytofixtherelationship,Janestated:"Iguessitwasallareas:religious,family,andmyownideathatthingsweregoingtogetbetter.
Andthethoughtthat,peoplehaveproblemsandtheyworkthroughthem.
"GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS28JoehadsimilarfeelingsasJohninwonderingwhathedidwrong,andalsowantingtosalvagetherelationship.
Hedescribedhisthoughts:"Well,itwasmostlymetryingtofigureoutwhatIhaddonethatmadeherfeelsheneededtogosomewhereelse.
Andthen,tryingtofigureoutifwestillhadanythingtosalvageornot.
"LifeAlterationsCausedbytheAffairThereweremanyrepercussionsfromtheinfidelitythatwerereportedbyparticipants.
Someofthecommonresponsesincluded:increaseinself-esteem,notwantingtomarryagain,havingtocontinueinteractionswithbetrayer,learningthatnoteveryoneisuntrustworthy,emotionalinstability,andlegalaction.
Increaseinself-esteem.
BothMarthaandJanestatedtheyfelttheyexperiencedanincreaseinself-esteemwithtime.
Marthafeltempoweredbyherweightlossandindependencewithhouseholdmaintenance.
Shedescribedherexperience:"Myself-esteemactuallygrewbecauseinterestinglyenoughIlostabunchofweightbecauseofthedivorceandaffair.
SoIwouldrun,Iwouldwalk,Ihadafitnesstrainerthatwouldcometomyhouse.
SoitkindofforcedmetoworkoutandIfeltIwouldlookinthemirrorandthinkIhaveagreatbody.
Sheillustratedherfeelingsofempowermentwiththeseexamples:"Ifeltempoweredbecauselike,Ihadtoredoallmykitchencountersbymyselfandhadtogooutandfindpeopletodothingsaroundmyhouse.
Icutmyowngrass,Iboughtmyownlawnmower,thingsIhadneverdonebefore[…]AndIhadtolearnhowtodoallofthat,butonceIdiditandknewIcoulddoit,itwaslike,GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS29wowIdon'tneedamanIcandoit.
Iownmyownhouse,Ihaveabeautifulhouse,Ihavetwobeautifulkidsoutofit.
"Initially,Janeblamedherselfforherex-husbandhavingtheaffair.
Withtime,sherealizedthatitwasnotherfault,anddescribedherincreaseinself-esteem:"Inallofthis,Idon'tthinkI'velostself-esteem,IthinkI'vemaybegainedmore.
Moreself-awarenessof,it'snotthatIwasabadpersonorabadwife.
"Notwantingtomarryagain.
Halfoftheparticipantsexpressedthattheydonotwanttogetmarriedagain.
Alloftheparticipantssaidtheyareopentodating,butthreestatedtheywillnevermarryagain.
Atthetimeofinterview,Johnwasstillgoingthroughdivorceproceedingsanddescribedhisfeelingsaboutdating:"Ihavenodesiretomarryagainrightnow.
Ijustdon'tknowwhatmoreI'mgoingtolose.
It'slike,howcanIgetinvolvedwithanyonewhenI'mgoingthroughallthisdrama"Timdescribedastoryaboutafirstdateherecentlywentonwherehetoldthewomanupfronthehasnointentionofevermarryingorhavingchildrenagain.
Timsaid,"It'snotlikeIwanttobealoneforever",butthesearehisthoughtsregardingmarriageafterhisexperienceswiththeextramaritalaffair:"It'skindofchangedmywholemindsetaboutmarriageingeneral.
Iwon'tgetmarriedagain.
Thatpieceofjewelryandpaperdoesn'taddanythingtotherelationship,atleasttome,besidesalotofliability.
"Marthaexpressedherfeelingstowardsremarriage:"IdatedforalittlebitbutIsaidI'dnevergetmarriedagain.
"Havingtocontinueinteractionswithbetrayer.
InJane'ssituation,shehadtohavecontinuedinteractionswithherex-husband.
Despitetakingcourtaction,herex-husbandstillmanagestocontacther.
Shestated:"IhaveanorderforprotectioninplaceGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS30whichlimitsalotofdiscussionsthatcouldhappen.
Andhestillfindsaway,likewiththetextmessages.
Randomly.
Wheneverhe'susuallydrunk.
"Shedescribedatextmessageandthecircumstancessurroundingit,thatsheunfortunatelyreceivedfromherex-husband:"He'scontinuedintherelationshipwiththeco-workerthathehadtheaffairwith.
She'sactuallypregnantandisexpectinginMay.
Ithinkit'sharderbecausenowthechildrenarehereandmyexisveryadamantthatthisistheirsisterandsomuchwherehejustgotdrunkandactuallysentmeanultrasoundoftheirbaby,whichisinappropriateinmybook.
Idon'tneedtoseethat,that'snotbenefitingme.
That'sobviouslybeingdonetobehurtful.
"Joedescribedauniquesituationthatforceshimtohavecontinuedinteractionswithhisex-wife.
Hehappenstoworkatthesamecompanyashisex-wife,themanshehadtheaffairwith,andthatman'sex-wife.
Hedescribedhowthingscangetawkwardbuthemanagestoremainprofessional.
Hecommentedaboutthesituation:"Imeanalotofpeoplewhentheyhavekidstheyhavetostayintouchforthekids.
WellwehavetostayintouchbecauseweworktogetherandsomeofthethingsIdoatworkinteractwithherposition.
SoIdon'thaveachoicebuttointeractwithheraswell.
"Learningthatnoteveryoneisuntrustworthy.
Janeenduredlong-termphysical,emotional,andverbalabusefromherex-husbandthroughouttheirentiremarriageandeventothisdayhesendsherhurtfultextmessages.
Whenaskedaboutwhathaschangedinherthoughtsandfeelingsfromthefirstdiscoveryofinfidelityuntilnow,JaneGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS31emphasizedlearningthatnoteveryoneislikeherex-husbandandnoteveryoneisuntrustworthy.
Shedescribedherchangesinthinking:"Therewasalotofdomesticabuseinourrelationshiptoo.
Itwasverbal,physical,emotional,alloftheabove.
Andthatplayedafactorinmyleavingtooandfinallybe[ing]doneandnotstay[ing].
Soformeit'slearningthattherearepeoplewhoarelikebothofmybrother-in-laws,theydon'teverdothatstufftotheirspouses.
"EventhoughJanestatedshehasnotdatedanyonesinceherdivorce,sherecognizesthattherearepeopleintheworldthatwon'tbehurtful.
Sheexpressedhergrowthandlearning:"It'ssomethingthatyouhavetolearnandgrowandrealizethatifsomeone'swillingtodosomethingashorribleasthey'vedone,thatthere'ssomebodynexttothemthat'swillingtonotdosomethingashorrible.
Andyouknow,there'[re]twodifferenttypesofpeopleandyoucan'tvieweveryoneastheonepersonwhohurtyou.
There'ssomebodyouttherewhowon'thurtyou.
"AfterMark'sexperiencewiththeextramaritalaffair,hedescribedinitiallynottrustingmanypeople.
Henowsaysheisopentodatingbutremainingcautious.
Markexplained:"Ithinkit'slearningthatthere'sdifferentpeopleandhavingtorealizethatitcanbedifferent.
Itdoesn'thavetobethewayitwas.
"Initially,Marthadatedmenthatshedescribedas"reboundguys",whichshesaidhelpedboostherself-esteemandallowedhertohavefungoingoutondatesandtobars,butwerenevergoingtobeseriousbecause"menarepigs".
Atthetimeoftheinterview,Marthahadbeendatingsomeonethatshowedherthatshecouldtrustagain.
Shesaid:"I'veonlybeendatinghimforlikeGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS32threemonthsandinjustthreemonthsandit'sthefirsttimeinalongtimeI'vefeltlikeIcanactuallytrustthisguy.
"Emotionalinstability.
Fourofthesixparticipantsdescribedgoingthroughmoodchangesandemotionalinstabilityafterdiscoveringtheirpartners'infidelity.
Janeexplained:"SoyeahIdefinitelythinkyougothroughdifferentperiods.
AndevennowI'llcallupmysisterandsay,'youknow,thisjustisn'tfairandit'snotsupposedtobethisway'andwe'llgobackto,'lookwhatitusedtobe'.
"OneoftheemotionalperiodsJanewentthroughwassadness.
Shesaid,"Ithinkyoudefinitelyfeelsadnessandlikesomeonedied.
AndI'vesaidbefore,italmostseemslikeitwouldbeeasier,there'dbemoreclosureratherthanknowinghe'soutwithsomeoneelse.
"Janewentontoexplaintheemotionalupsanddownsshefelt:"It'shard[…]Oneminuteyou'rehappythenextyou'resadanditfeelslike,okay,backtosquareone.
"Marthaexpressedasimilarsentiment:"I'dreachouttodifferentsoulsandthingsIwouldn'tnormallydo.
Ithinkithelpedbutatthetimenothinghelped.
Itwasn'tdaybyday-itwasminutebyminute.
Imeanitreallywaslike,okayIgotthroughthemorning.
"Johnexperiencedfeelingsofwonderingwhatkeepsgoingwronginhisrelationships.
Hestated:"Ikeepgoingbackandwonderingwhatiswrongwithmethatpeoplekeeponleavingmeafterthreeorfouryears.
WhydotheysearchforsomeoneelseAndIGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS33thinkaboutotherthingsthatweregoingoninourbedroomandI'mlike'weretheynotsatisfiedandtheydidn'ttellme'"Whenaskedabouthowhisthoughts,feeling,andbehaviorshavechangedsincethediscoveryoftheinfidelitytonow,Joedescribedhavinghadcompletechangeswithhisthoughtsandemotions.
Hecommentedonthosechanges:"Absolutely,100%,mywholethoughtsandfeelingsstartedoutashowcanIfixthesituationandwhatdidIdowrong.
Andnowit'sokay;howcanIgetmyselfthroughthisversushowdoitsaveit.
That'showIfeellikeI'vechangeddirectionscompletely[…]LatelyI'vemovedmoretowardsanger.
It'sbeenareal[ly]recent,lastweekorso,thatIgetburstsof'thisisstupid,shedidn'thavearighttodothistome'.
"AtthetimewhenMarthadiscoveredtheinfidelity,shehadjustgivenbirthtohersonfourdaysprior.
Shereporteddrasticemotionalinstabilityincludingthoughtsofsuicide.
Marthadescribedherthoughts:"Ididhavethoughtsofsuicideinitially,butmyfriendscameoverandgotmeoutofthat.
AndIhadthislittlebaby,andIwouldtakegoodcareofthislittlebabybutIwould[lie]inbedwiththisbabytillteninthemorning.
MymilkdriedupbecauseIwassostressed.
"Marthaexplainedthatshestartedsmokingregularlyandconsumingalcoholmorefrequentlyafterthediscoveryoftheextramaritalaffair.
Shereportedthatshecurrentlydoesnotdrinkalcoholandhasquitsmokingcigarettes.
Shestated:"ImadepoordecisionsbutIknewIneededtodothatandIknewitwastemporarytogetmethroughwhatIneededtogetthroughatthatmoment.
"MarthagoesontodiscussherGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS34indecisivenessaboutherfeelingstowardsmen:"Andwhoneedsaman.
Iwasanti-menbigtime,likebigtime.
Butatthesametime,whenIwasoutIlikedtheattentionofmenlookingatmeforthefirsttimeinawhile.
"Legalaction.
Janerecalledanincidentthatoccurredbetweenherandherex-husband'smistressthatresultedinpoliceandcourtintervention.
Sherecountedgoingtoabar/restauranttohavedinner.
Whenshesawherex-husbandandhismistressatthesamerestaurant,sheapproachedthemtointroduceherselftohismistress.
Janestatedthatatthetime,sheandherex-husbandwerestillmarried.
Thisencounterresultedinafightbetweenthetwowomen,involvinghairpulling,screaming,andhitting.
Janedescribedthelegalactionshetookafterthefight:"SoIendeduptakingarestrainingorderoutagainstherandmychildrenareonitsothatwayshecan'tbearoundmychildrenormyself.
Butthey'vetriedfightingittwotimesnow.
"Afterthemultipleargumentsbetweenhimandhisex-husband,Johnthrewacellphoneandcrackedthewindshieldofhisex-husband'scar.
Johnalsostatedthathisex-husbandisbi-polar,andhewasconcernedthathisformerpartnerwouldbecomeviolent.
ThereforeJohntookthisaction:"Andwegotaconsentorderagainsteachother;whichislikearestrainingorderbutitworksbothways.
"DuringtheinterviewwithTim,hediscussedtwoseparatechildabusechargesfiledagainsthimbyhisex-wife,whichheclaimedwastogainfullcustodyofthechildrenforfinancialreasons.
Hestatedthatthroughyearsofparentalalienation,hisex-wifewasabletoconvincethechildrentoagreewiththeclaims.
Johnthenstatedthatafterthecourthearings:"childsupportgotchangedtomepayingheracrapload.
"Hewentontodescribehiscurrentsituation:GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS35"Nowwe'rebattlingoverthedaughter.
Andtheotherthingisthatfathersareatanextremedisadvantageinthesesituations.
Itfeelshelpless.
Icertainlydon'thavethemoney,time,andresourcestofightthecourtsystem.
Iworka40-hourworkweekonlytogivemyex30%ofmypaycheckwhileshe'sunemployed.
"GriefandLossAlloftheparticipantsdiscussedlossesthatoccurredduetotheextramaritalaffairsandthedivorcesthatfollowed.
Theselosseswereoftenaccompaniedbyfeelingsofgrief.
Thelossesdescribedbytheparticipantsincluded:lossoftherelationship,havingtosharecustodyofchildren,lossoftheirpartner'sfamily,lossoffriends,shattereddreamsandexpectations,physicalandemotionallosses,lossoftrust,adjustingtobeingprimarycustodyprovider,andfinancialhardships.
Lossoftherelationship.
Fourofthesixparticipantsdescribedexperiencinggriefduetothelossoftherelationshipwiththeirspouse.
Joestated:"Tomeitstartedoutasjustahugelossofmypartner,myotherhalf.
"Timspokeofthedifferentemotionsandgriefheexperiencedaftertheinfidelity:"You'reangrywithher,angrywithheractionsanddecisionsandchoices,butyou'realsogrievingthelossoftherelationship.
Thefamilyyouhad,thefamilyandhouseholdthatyoubuiltissuddenlygone.
Socertainlytherewasalotofgriefinthefactthatmyfamily,isnotmyfamilyanymore.
"ForMarthaandJane,theirex-husbandsweretheirbestfriendsandloveoftheirlives.
Priortodiscoveringtheinfidelity,Janespokeofwhatshewastoldbyherhusband:"SoallofasuddennowIfoundout,onedayitwasinAugust,andhesaid,'bytheway,Ijustdon'tloveyouanymore'".
Marthaexplainedthelossofthatrelationship:"ButyouGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS36knowitwasdevastating.
Theholidaysarehardandyouknow,losingtheloveofmylifewashuge.
"Janeexpressedasimilarsentiment:"IguessIfeltbad,Imean,myex-spouse,heknewmeandjusttheideathatinmyheadwewerebestfriends.
"AfterthepolicewerecalledfollowingthefightbetweenJaneandherex-husband'smistress,herex-husbandliedtopolice,sayingJane'shairfallsoutduetoanillness,notbecausehisgirlfriendpulleditout.
Atthatmoment,Janeexpressedfeelingofalossofloyaltyinadditiontolosingherhusband,whichwasexpressedthroughthisstatement:"Anditwas,itwaslikeheputaknifethroughmyheart.
Iknewthathewasdonetrying,anyloyaltywascompletelygone.
Hewatchedherpullclumps,Imean,Ihaveabigbaldspotonthebackofmyheadandhewatchedandthatwasthesolution,theliethatIwoulduse,thatIhavelupusandIlosemyhair.
"Divorce.
Alloftheparticipantsproceededwithdivorcefollowingthediscoveryoftheextramaritalaffair(s).
Someindividualswantedtosalvagethemarriageand/ortrytokeeptheirfamilyintact,butallparticipantseventuallyfiledfordivorce.
JohnandTimunfortunatelydescribedtheirdivorceprocessas"nasty"and"ugly".
Johnbelievedthatgoingtocouple'stherapywouldsavehismarriage,however,hisex-husbandrefusedtoevergo.
Johnexplained:"Soittookmeayearandahalfandheneverwenttotherapy.
SoIfiledfordivorceandthought,wellmaybethatwillgethimtowakeup.
"Timdeclared:"Divorceisuglybynature.
Peoplethinkdivorceisgoingtosolvetheirproblemsbutdivorceonlymakesnewproblems.
"WhenaskedabouthisGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS37experiencewiththedivorce,Timstated:"Shewasemotionallyalreadyout,andsonoweverythingjustfellintotheuglinessofthedivorceanddividinguptheassets.
"Hewentontodiscusshisviewontheunfairnessofthecourtsysteminregardstodivorce:"SobasicallyIhadtofilefordivorceandgothroughthewholeprocessjusttoseemykidsonlyeveryotherweekend.
Somyyoungestdaughterwasonlyonewhenallthishappened,sobythetimeIsawheragain,30%ofherlifewastakenfromme.
Thirtypercentofherlife,Ididn'tevengettoseeher.
Andapparentlythat'sjustokay.
Thecourtsystemthinksthat'sokay.
Butdivorceisjustugly,becauseit'sacourtofequity,notacourtoflaw.
Soyoucantellalltheliesyouwant,andifyougetawaywiththem,life'ssweet.
"Sharedcustodyofchildren.
Jane,Tim,andMarthaalldescribedhavingtogothroughtheprocessofchildcustody.
Janesharedthisinformation:"Ihavesolelegalandphysicalcustodyandhehasvisitswhichhecurrentlychoosestonotuseexceptforeighthoursamonth.
"Timsaidhewasfortunatebecauseatthetimeofthedivorce,hisex-wifedidnotwantmajoritycustody,whichhebelievesisbecauseshewantedtospendmoretimeinhernewrelationship.
Heexplained:"Sonowthecustodyatthetimeofthedivorce,wedidn'tfightabout,andIthinkit'smostlybecauseshe,wellshedidn'twantthekidsallthetime.
Howcouldshecarryonthisrelationshipwhenshe'sgotthekidsallthetimeSoatthetimewejustdid50/50custodyandthatwasthat.
Nowtwoyearslatersheseizedcustodyofthethen14-yearold,forfinancialreasons,andsheplayedabunchofuglygamestomakethathappen.
"GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS38Marthawaswillingtohaveherchildrenstaywiththeirfatherandwantedthemtohaveacloserelationship.
Shesaidmostofthetimethoughherex-husbandwillnottakethechildrenbecauseheistoobusytravelling,golfing,goingtosportingevents,orgoingtoparties.
Shedescribedhercustodyagreement:"Sothekidsstaywithmeandlivewithme90percentofthetime.
SowhatwefiguredoutishewouldtakethemonWednesdaynightsandeveryotherweekend.
Andthatworksbutit'sstilltothisday,hehasthemanaverageoftwoWednesdaysamonthbecausehe'stravellingorsomething.
He'sveryselfish.
"Lossofpartner'sfamily.
Alloftheparticipantsexpressedsomesadnessanddisappointmentoverlosingrelationshipswiththeirformerpartners'families.
Threestatedthattheirin-lawswereinitiallysympatheticregardingtheinfidelity,butfollowingthedivorce,allthein-lawfamiliescutoffcontact.
Janedescribedtherelationshipwithherex-husband'smotherasbeing"close",andhowhismotherwouldtalkhimdownwhenhewasabusingJane.
Shestated:"Shewouldbetherewhenhewouldbepoppingmeinthefaceandonthephone.
[Hisfamily]knewabouttheaffairsandtheyknewabouttheco-workers–everything.
Then,whenIchosetoleave,contactwiththemcompletelystopped.
Theyweren'tthere,theydidn'tcalltoaskhowanythingwas,whichwascompletelyoppositefromhowitwasduringthewholemarriage.
"Janefelt"banished"fromherex-husband'sfamily,eventhoughhisparentswerestillherchildren'sgrandparents.
Shewentontotalkaboutthelossoftherelationshipwithherin-laws:GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS39"Ispeculatethatit'shardbeingaparentofsomeonewhosechilddoesgooffandhaveanewrelationshipandfromthattheyhaveachildontheway.
Iguessmebeingdifferent,IfeltlikeIwasbanished.
Idon'tthinkIwouldcompletelynottalktotheothergrandchildrenbecauseofthat.
"Johndiscussedasituationwherehelostcontactandrelationshipswithhissisterin-law(hisbrother'swife)andtwoniecesduetoafightbetweenthemandhishusband.
John'ssister-in-lawandherchildrenhadmovedinwithhimandhishusbandrightafterherhusband(John'sbrother)haddied.
Johnwasunawareofthecontextofthefight,whichhefoundoutafterthedivorcewasbecausehisex-husbandgotintoanargumentwithJohn'ssisterin-lawandheheldherhusband'sashesoverthetoilet,threateningtoflushthemifshedidnotmoveout.
Johnstated:"Ididn'trealizehowselfishhewasbuteverythingalwayshadtobeabouthim.
"Inadditiontothestoryabouthissisterin-law,thisquotealsopertainedtohisstoryabouthismother,whomhasaterminalillness.
Johnexplained:"SoIwastakingcareofmymom.
SoIwastakingcareofherwithmytwobrothers.
AndthehardestpartwasthatmyhusbandwasveryjealouswhenIwenttoseemymomwholived45minutesawayfromus.
"TosumupthelossesoffamilythatJohnendured,hestated:"SohereIloseasister-in-lawaftermybrotherdied,Ilosetwonieces,mymomwasafraidtocallthehouse,notbecauseshewasafraidtotalktohim,butshedidnotwanttocauseanyproblemsbetweenus.
"Johndescribedthathealwaysthoughthehadagoodrelationshipwithhisex-husband'smother.
However,duringtheprocessofdivorce,hestatedthiswasoccurring:GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS40"HismomwentonaFacebookcampaignandstartedtellinganyonethatwouldlistenthatIbeatherson,whichneverhappened.
"Lossoffriends.
Johnopenedupaboutlosingmutualfriendsduetohisseparationfromhisex-husband:"Ilost9mutualfriendsoutofthisrelationshipthatshockedme.
Myhusbandsentoutamassemailto400Facebookfriendsthathadmutualfriendsandsaid,'choose'.
"Whenaskedaboutperceivedside-takingamongstmutualfriends,Janestated:"Iwouldsaythemajorityofthem–Idon'treallygooutanymore[and]Iwoulddefinitelysaythattherearenomutualfriendsthathavestayedcompletelymutual.
Heactuallyhiredapersonwehadgraduatedwithashisattorney.
"Shattereddreamsandexpectations.
Aprominentthemethatarosewasthelossofdreamsandexpectationsforthefuture.
Someparticipantstalkedaboutthedifficultyoflosingthatlifeexpectationofstayingmarriedforever.
Timmentioned:"Youknowinmyexperience,priortoallthismess,tilldeathdouspartwasarule.
"Janehadsimilarthoughts:"Myideawas,youstaymarried,youdon'tgetadivorce,andtheypushedmeinthedirectionofchoosingtomoveoutandfindingasafeareaformeandthekids.
"Janeattributedsomeofthesethoughtsaboutneedingtostaytogetherforeverdespiteabuseorinfidelitytoherreligiousupbringing.
Sheexplained:"Youknow,that'sinterestingbecauseIwasraisedcatholic,Iguessthewholestigmaofbeingcatholic,that'swhattheyfollowandyoutrytostaythroughthickandthin.
Andmyparentsarestillmarried,havebeensinceage19and20.
"TimexperiencedsimilarfeelingsasJaneinthatstayingtogetheruntilthedayyoudieisthewayitissupposedtobe.
Timrecountedhisthoughts:GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS41"Peoplegetmarried.
Peoplehavekids.
Kidsgrowup.
Peoplestaytogetheruntilthedayyoudie.
Andthat'sthegoal,that'showthingsaresupposedtobe.
Andtohavethatrugjustrippedoutfromunderyou,youhavenosayinthematter.
Youknow,Ididn'tchoosetohavemywifehaveanaffair.
Ididn'tchoosetohavehersay'screwyou.
I'mrunningoffwiththeotherfellow'.
Suddenly,yourlifeiscompletelydifferentandyouhadnosayinthematter.
Nochoices,nodecisions,youfeellikeitgotdonetoyou.
Andsothere'satremendousamountofgriefinthat.
"Whenaskedaboutexpectationsthatshehadthathavechanged,Janesaid:"Definitelythelossofwhenwefirstseparatedandthinking,whoamIgoingtotelleverythingtoatnightandwhatthekidsdidtodayandthelittlethingswiththepersonyouthoughtyouweregoingtogrowoldwithandwatchthechildrengrow.
Justtheideaofhavingthatpersontosharethosethingswithandthatpersonissupposedtowanttosharethosethingswithyou.
Andwhenyou'relookingaheadtoeverythingfrombuyinganewhousetonewvehiclestotakingfamilytripstoDisneyworld,youthinkofthathappeningwiththefamilywithyoursignificantother.
"Johnstated,"Idon'tbelieveinforeveranymore",whendiscussingwhathaschangedabouthislifeexpectationsthathehadforhismarriage.
Joesaideventhoughheandhisex-wifedidnothavechildrentogether,theyhadjustboughtmotorcyclesandweregoingtogotoSturgisandridetogetherfrequentlybecausethatiswhathergrandparentsdidtogether.
Heemphasizedhisdreamofjustbeingtogether:"ThebiggestGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS42thingformewastojustbetogether,thatwasmyplanslost[…]Andmakingthehousebetterandmakingourlivestogetherandexperiencelifetogetherwasthemainthing.
"Physicalandemotionallosses.
ForMarthaandJohn,theextramaritalaffairstookaphysicaltollinadditiontotheemotionaleffects.
Johnhadalotofphysicalproblemsinthelastsixmonthssincetheinfidelitywasdiscovered.
Hestated:"IhadaliverbiopsyandfoundoutIhaveBarrett'ssyndromewhichisprecanceroftheesophagus,whichisallcausedbystress.
""You'reputtingmylifeinjeopardyphysicallyandemotionally,"Johnstatedtohisex-husband.
Intheinterviewhereported:"Iwasbecomingacripple.
AndIwasthestrongpersonintherelationship!
IgotofferedapromotionthreemonthsbeforeweleftandIturneditdownbecauseIwantedtoconcentrateonourmarriage.
"Johnwentontosay,"IbecamelikethesubmissiveoneandIneverwaseverinthatposition.
"Martaalsoexperiencedphysicalchangesduetotheemotionaltollthattheaffairtook.
Sheofferedthisinformation:"IthinkthefirsttwoyearsIwaskindofanemotionalmess.
Ilost,Iweighedlike89pounds,Ilostsomuchweight.
IwassicklythinbecauseIcouldn'teatbecauseIwassoupset.
"Shealsoreported:"Ismokedalotofcigarettesbackthen.
I'vequitesmokingsincethenandhaven'thadacigaretteinthreeyears.
"Lossoftrust.
Anotherrecurringthemethroughouttheinterviewswasthelossoftrustthatresultedfromtheextramaritalaffairs.
ThefollowingquotefromJohnillustratedthistheme:"Ihavenotrustatall.
Andthat'ssomethingthatonlyIcanrebuild.
Ineedtobemoreawareofmysurroundingsifandwhensomeoneeverwalksintomylifeagain.
IGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS43secondguesseverythingandeveryone.
"Johnalsodiscussedanissueaboutcouplesnotbeingastrustworthy:"IguessthisisoneofthethingsI'mtryingtolearnintherapyis.
Isthisnormalforcouplesto,youknow,afterthreeorfouryearsofmarriag,ethatthere'snosparkleft,they'renotasdevoted,they'renotastrusting.
"Whenaskedabouthisleveloftrustthatmayormaynothavebeenaffectedbytheinfidelity,Johnreplied,"Ishouldknowbetter",andwentontosay:"There'sasayingthatsays,'don'texpectthelionnottoeatyou,justbecauseyoudon'teatlion'.
Andsobasicallyformetryingtobeanhonestfellow,andIfoolishlythoughtotherslivebythosesamevaluesbuttheydon't.
Soifyourmotivationistolie,cheatandstealtogetwhatyouwant,whyshouldIbelievethatmyexwouldn'tdothatnow.
"Marthaexperiencedarangeofemotionsfollowingthediscoveryoftheinfidelity,includinglosingtrustinmen.
Sheexplained:"Iwaslike,I'mgoingtobethisindependent;Idon'tneedaman.
AndI'mgoingtolivetherestofmylifethatway.
Menarepigs,Ican'ttrustthem.
Ihadalltheseemotionsandthoughtsinmyhead.
"ThisquotefromJoeexpressedthelossoftrustthatheexperienced:"HowcanItrusthertobegoodtomesinceIcouldn'ttrusthertokeephermarriagevows"Adjustingtobeingprimarycustodyprovider.
ForMarthaandJane,adjustingtoasingleparentlifestylewasdifficult.
Marthaexplainedthedifficultyinansweringandexplainingtoherchildrenwhytheylivedwithherthemajorityofthetime.
ShealsosaidshesometimesfelthurtwhenherchildrenwouldgetupsetaboutnotlivinginamoreGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS44lavishhouseliketheyusedtohavewhentheirparentswerestillmarried.
Whendiscussinglifeexpectationsthatdidnotgoasplanned,Janeexpressedsomegriefregardingthelossofhavingherhusbandtheretosharestoriesabouttheirchildren.
Shestated:"Andhavingtorealizethatit'sokaythatit'snothim,andIstillcallmymomorsistersandtellthem,ohthekidsdidthisorthat.
Andthat'sokaythatit'snotthehusbandortheirfather,aslongasIhavetheopportunitytosharethosethings.
ButthefirstcouplemonthsIcouldn'tgetoverthethoughtofwhat'smylifegoingtobelikewithouthim.
"Janespokeabouthoweventhoughshewastheonewholeftandfiledfordivorce,sheisstillconcernedaboutthe"stigmaofasinglefamilyandtheydon'thavedadandhow'sthatgoingtobewiththem.
"Inthisquote,Janeexplainedwhynotbeingmarriedhasimpededherabilitytoworkoutsidethehome:"Mysonhasautism,andrightnowhecan'tbeinpreschoolandhedoesin-hometherapysosomeonehastobehomewithhim,whichobviouslyismesinceI'mnotmarried.
Sothatlimitsmyabilitytogotoworkoutsideofbeinghome,becauseit'sa40hourprogramsohe'sathomeoratacenterdoingtherapy.
"Janeexpressedherfrustrationwithherdaughter'sschoolbeinglessadaptedforsingleparenthomes:"Thewordageinthethingsatschool[is]stillgearedtowardstwoparentfamilies.
Soformeit'sopeningmyeyesuptohowalotoftheschoolfunctions,likethedaddydance,butdad'snowheretobefound[…]So,IthinkalotofitisGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS45learningtoacceptthatit'sgoingtobealittlebitchallengingandI'mgoingtogetalittletickedatcertainthingslikeupsetaboutthedance.
"Financialhardships.
Anotablefindingthatarosefromtheinterviewswasthethemeoffinancialhardshipsthatparticipantsfacedfollowingtheinfidelityanddivorce.
Janewasplacedinadifficulthousingandfinancialsituationafterherhusbanddecidedhewantedtobeseparated.
Thisquoteillustratestheunfortunatepositionshewasplacedin:"AndsoIwasfivemonthspregnantandIwasobviouslyjustjoyfulandhavingmyfirstkid.
Wehadbeenmarriedsixyearsatthatpoint.
Andhehadconfrontedmeandtoldmethathewasnothappyandhewantedmetomoveoutofhishouse.
Iwasunemployedatthetime.
Heendedupstayinginthehouse,Istayedwithmyparents.
ThenIfoundaonebedroombymyselfwhichobviouslyisnottheidealsituationwhenyou'rebringinghomeyourfirstchild.
"Janeexplainedhowsheandherchildrenhavehadtoadapttohavingasignificantlydecreasedincome:"ButnowI'monverylimitedincomeandsoit'smorelike,ourfunisgoingtoconsistofgoingtoRedbox,goinghome,makingpopcorn,andjusthaveafunnightathome.
"Shewentontosay:"Andsoeventhoughthefundsheowedtomeweresupposedtopayforatwonighthotelstayatakiddiepool,I'mnowthinking,okayhavetocomeupwithsomethingnewforspringbreak.
SoI'mtryingtocomeupwithnewfunideasforusthatareobviouslycostefficientatthispointbecausehe'shamperingonthelittlebitoffunthatwecouldhavehad,whichreallyisn'tmuchofaluxurybutforus,itwouldbe[…]It'shavingadifferentview.
It'slike,okaykidswemightnotGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS46begoingtoTargettopickoutatoybutwecangototheDollarStore,theyhavelotsoflittlethingsandyoucanpickoutoneortwothings.
It'sswitchinggoingfromastablefamilyincomeoftwotonowwhereit'sverylimitedandwehavetomakedueandhavefunregardless.
"ThisquotefromMartha'sinterviewseemedtoexpressthesameoutlook:"Ifoundoutreallyquickthatmoneydoesn'tbuyhappiness.
BecauseIhadalotofmoneyandthenIwenttonotalotofmoney.
"Johnalsotookafinancialhitwhenhewasgoingthroughthedivorce:"Heliterallywantedhalfofmyhouse,hewantedhalfofmyfurnishings,hewantedhalfofmyjewelry,hewantedhalfofmyretirement,hewantedthedogs.
SoI'vegivenhim10,000dollarsworthofjewelry,20,000dollarsworthoffurniturethatwasboughttogetherinthetwoyears,andIhaveofferedhim10,000cash.
"Inhindsight,Timstatedhewishedhewouldhavewaitedtoconfronthisex-wifeaboutheraffair.
Hestated:"Byalertinghersosoon,itgavehertheopportunitytodothingslikeliquidatebankaccounts.
"InTim'ssituation,hischildrenmayalsosufferfinanciallyinthefuture.
Hisex-wifewashavingmultipleaffairsinvariouscitiesacrosstheUnitedStates,claimingtheywerebusinesstrips.
Timexplainedinthisquotehowhisex-wifewasabletohidethepersonalexpensesfromhim:"Foronethingallhertripswereoutoftown,sothere'snowayshecouldgetcaughtintown[…]Whichyouwouldexpectaconsiderableexpensewithtravellingandhotelrooms,butthewayshehidthatwassheusedthemoneywehadinourchildren'scollegefunds.
"GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS47CopingStrategiesAlloftheparticipantsdiscussedvariouscopingstrategiestheyusedtohelpgetthemthroughthedifficulttimesfollowingthediscoveryoftheirpartners'extramaritalaffairs.
Themostprominentcopingstrategiesinvolvedtheuseofandsupportfromfamily,friends,religion,supportgroups,individualcounseling,forgivingtheirpartner,andreadingbooks.
Family.
Forhalfoftheparticipants,familywascitedasthemostinfluentialwayofcopingwiththeinfidelityanddivorce.
Threeofthesixparticipantshadparentsthatlivedlessthanafewmilesawayfromthem.
Janeexplainedthatsinceherex-husbanddoesnotspendtimewiththeirchildren,thebiggestmalerolemodelthatherchildrenhaveisherfather,whotheyseealmosteveryday.
Shestatedthathermotherisincrediblysupportiveandithelpsthatherparentslivefiveminutesfromher.
Jane'sfamilyalsosupportedheratadivorcepartysheheld:"Mysisterscameandmymomcameoutandmyauntandmycousinandmydadstayedwiththechildren.
AndwewentouttoeatatTGIFridaysandwehadsomecakeandappetizers,butitwasjusttalkingandmorecelebratingallthatIhadgonethrough.
Justkindofthereliefthatit'skindofanewbeginningandIhaddonealotandcomealongwayandifitwasn'tforeachandeveryoneofthemIwouldn'tbewhereIam.
"Janecreditedmuchofherchangeinoutlooktoherfamily.
Sheexplained:"Everysinglepersoninmyfamilyifitwasn'tforthematdifferentpointspushingmealongthewayorsaying,it'sokayyou'llbeokay.
ThatIwouldn'tbehererightnowenjoyingmyself,I'dprobablyhaveadifferentoutlook.
"GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS48Joe'ssituationwasuniqueinthathisparentsshowedloveandembracetohisex-wifeaswellastheirson.
Heexplainedthathisfamilyisveryreligiousandhisfatherandbrotherarepastors.
HisparentswrotealettertoJoe'sex-wifelettingherknowthattheystillloveandrespectherregardlessofherinfidelity.
Joemadeclearthattheydonotbelieveheshouldremaininarelationshipwithher,butheshouldremainrespectfulandkind.
Joedescribedhisexperiencewithfamilysupport:"Mymomanddad,assoonastheyfoundouttheycameup,theyliveabout45minutesawaysotheycametoseemerightaway.
Andthey'vebeenverysupportiveofmebutthey'vealsoshownloveandkindnesstohertoo.
"Whenaskedabouthisleveloffamilialsupport,Timsaid:"It'snoquestionbloodisthickerthanwater.
Imean,familiessticktogetherforthemostpart[.
.
.
]Myfamilywasabigsupport,myparentsweregreat,andtheystillare[…]Iknowthere'salotofpeoplewhohavealotlesssupportthanIdosoI'mlucky.
"Religion.
ForJohn,Joe,andMartha,religionandspiritualityhelpedthemcopewiththerepercussionsoftheextramaritalaffairs.
Johnexplainedthathehasalwayshada"verydeepfaithinGod"buthisex-husbanddidnotlikeJohntogotochurchorpracticehisreligion.
Butafterseparating,Johnsaid,"I'vestartedgoingtochurcheverySundaynowandIdon'thavetofeelbadthathewon'tgoorthathe'supsetbecauseIgo.
"Asmentionedpreviously,religionisandhasalwaysbeenimportanttoJoeandhisfamily.
Whenseekingguidanceandsupport,Joestated:GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS49"Imean,I'maChristian,soIturntogodforanswersonwhatI'msupposedtodoandthemessageIreceivedloudandclearwasthatIneedtobekindandcaringinallofmydealingswithheronagoforthbasis.
"Whendiscussingwaysthatshecopedwiththestressandhardshipsfollowingtheinfidelity,Marthasoughtwaysthatshesaidwerenottypicalforher.
Sheexplained:"I'mnotareligiousperson,butatthesametimeIwouldlookupattheskyandpraytomygrandparentsthataredeceasedandaskforguidanceandhelpduringthistime.
"Friends.
Similartothethemeoffamily,supportfromfriendswasseenasawaytocopewiththeinfidelityanddivorce.
Whenaskedaboutsupportfromfriendsand/orfamily,Markreplied,"Ifeelveryprotectedbymyfriendsandfamily.
"Joealsoexperiencedhelpfromfriends,stating,"I'vebeenreachingouttofriendsandfamilyalot,talkingnon-stoptoanyonewho'sbeenhelpfulinthesituation.
"Marthadescribedanoutpouringofsupportfromhergirlfriendsaftershediscoveredherex-husband'smultipleaffairs.
Whendiscussingsupportfromfriends,sheexplained:"Ithinkwithoutallthesupportofmygirlfriends,Idon'tthinkIwouldhavemadeit.
"Marthaalsogaveexamplesofsupportthatcamefromherfriends:"Oneofmyfriendscameoverandletmeknow,shesaid'Iwantyoutoknow,weallchippedinandboughtyouatickettoDaisyCampinMinnesota'.
It'srightoutsideofMinneapolisandit'sadivorcecampforwomen.
"PriortoMartha'sdivorcehearing,herfriendsgotheranewdresstohelpherfeelbeautifulandempowered.
Shewentontoexplainthatafterthehearing:"Mygirlfriendscamerunningupwithflowersandweallwenttolunch.
ImeanIhadsomuchsupportthatit'slike,Idon'tknowhowotherpeopledoitwithoutallthesupportIhad.
"GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS50Individualcounseling.
Afterseparatingfromherex-husband,Janewasabletoseekgroupaswellasindividualcounseling.
Shereiteratedtheadviceshegotfromhertherapist:"Istartedseeingapsychologistandjustbeingabletotalktoherandshetoldmethatit'simportantthatevenifItakejustfiveminutestomyselfeverydaytojustdosomethingIwanttodo,ifit'spaintingmynails,takingabath,justmakingsureyoutakealittletime.
"Inadditiontoindividualtherapy,Janealsosoughtcounselingforherchildren.
Shefeltitwouldbebeneficialsincebothchildrenhadwitnessedtheirfatheremotionally,verbally,andphysicallyabusetheirmotherformanyyears.
Sheexplained:"Mychildrenbothforthelastyearhaveseenatherapistonceaweek.
Butit'salotforthemtoovercomethingsthatthey'veseenorheardorhadbeenhidingfrom.
"Timstatedthathereceivedsomecounseling,andthathebelievesitdidhelphimcopewithhisangertowardstheinfidelity.
Johnalsohadindividualcounselingandsaid,"Talkingaboutitandtherapyhasbeenthebestthingforme.
"Hestatedthatoneconclusionhemadewhenintherapywas:"IamgoingtotherapyformeandIhavedecidedthatit'ssomethingwithinmethatattractspeoplelikethis.
"Readingbooks.
Someoftheparticipantsreportedthatreadingbooksrelatedtoinfidelity,forgiveness,andindependencewashelpful.
JohnrecalledreadingCo-DependentNoMore,whichhashelpedhimcopewiththeaffair,aswellashispastexperiencesgrowingupwithafatherwithalcoholism,andcopingwithanex-husbandwithbi-polardisorder.
GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS51Marthahadauniquesituationinthatsheandherex-husbandarenowgoodfriendsandtakefamilyvacationstogether.
Sheexplainedthatittookalongtimeforhertoforgive,butnowsheandherex-husbandspeakfrequentlyandspendholidaystogether.
Whenaskedhowshemanagedtoreachthatforgiveness,shestated:"IhavealotofbooksthatI'veread.
AndIwilltellyouthebestbookI'veeverread,Ikeepitinmylivingroom,Irecommendittoeveryone.
It'scalled'ForgivingtheUnforgiveable'.
I'mtellingyouIreadthisbookandIfeelitreallyempoweredmeandmyforgiveness.
"Forgiveness.
Asstatedabove,Martha'sabilitytoforgivewaspartiallyaidedfromtheuseofbooks.
Thisquoteillustratesherabilitytoforgive:"Sothat'swhyIthinkmystoryissointeresting.
Isthattheinfidelitywasterrible,Iwaspregnant,itwassodevastatingfromafinancialstandpoint.
Hewastheloveofmylife;IwasdatinghimsinceIwas21.
IgaveupmylifeinMadisontoleaveandlivewithhiminSteven'sPoint.
YouknowandthentohavehimdothisandthenforgivehimandhaveagreatrelationshipagainiswhyIthinkit'skindofauniquesituation.
"Marthawentontosay:"Iwouldlovetobeaspeakerandcoachthemonhowintheendit'sbeneficialtoforgive.
ImeanIknowIcouldn'tdoitinthebeginningeitherinitially,butIdon'tknow.
"Janeexpressedasimilarsentimentwhenaskedaboutherthoughtsonforgivenessregardinginfidelity:GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS52"Youcangetstuckandbebitterandsad,oryoucanacceptit,itsucks,butyouhavetorealizethatthere'ssomuchmoreouttherethat,whygetcaughtupinsomethingandyouhavetolearntoletitgo.
"Supportgroups.
Amajorthemethatstoodoutwhenparticipantswereaskedaboutcopingmechanismswastheuseofsupportgroups.
Fourofthesixparticipantssoughtoutsupportgroupsfollowingthediscoveryoftheextramaritalaffairs.
Oneparticipantwishedhecouldhavefoundasupportgroupforgaycouplesgoingthroughadivorce.
JanewasabletoreceivecounselingattheHarrietTubmanCenterandstated,"Isharedmystorywiththeabuse,andjustgottohearotherpeople'sstoriestoo.
"Sheexplainedthatthisgroupcounselingwashelpfulinallowinghertounderstandthecontrolissuesthatherex-husbandhad.
Sheexpressedthatthegroupalsohelpedhertorealizethattheabusedidnotoccurbecauseshewasabadwifeorbadmother,andthatitwasnotherfault.
Joealsoappreciatedbeinginasupportgroupwithindividualswhohadbeenthroughsimilarsituations.
Heexplainedhisexperiencewithasupportgroup:"Istartedgoingtoadivorcesupportgroup.
It'saChristianbasedprogram,meetsonceaweekgoesthroughwhat'shappeningtoyou.
Ididn'tthinkI'dhaveanythingincommonwiththesepeople,thenwestarttalkingandI'mlikeohmygoodnessweallexperiencedthesamething,nowondertheyhavethesegroups.
"AfterherfriendssignedherupforDaisycamp,Marthaattendedthedivorcecampandappreciatedthesupportandstrengthshereceived.
Marthastatedshewouldlovetoopenasimilarcampinthestatethatshelivesin.
Regardingherexperience,Marthastated:GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS53"SoIwasatthiscampwith25otherwomen,andtheywereallfromallovertheMidwestandI'dnevermetanyofthem[.
.
.
]SoIreallydidalotofthingstohelpmethroughthatjourney.
SoallthoselessonsandallthosethingsIlearned,itwassoempowering.
"Timexpressedthathewouldhavebeenopenandmorethanwillingtoattendasupportgroup,butdidnotfindonehewouldfeelcomfortablegoingto.
Heexplainedhisdilemma:"Isurewishthereweregaysupportgroupsforpeoplegoingthroughdivorce.
Mychurchhasadivorcesupportgroupbutit'sstraightmenandwomen,soI'mnotcomfortablegoinginthereandtalkingaboutmyrelationshipinfrontofthem,eventhoughthey'dprobablybeokaywithit.
Iwasevenresearchingitonlineandeveninbigcitiestherearen'tgaydivorcesupportgroups.
"DiscussionThereareseveralsimilaritiesbetweenthepriorresearchandthisstudy'sfindings.
Onesimilarityincludestheemotionalinstabilityanddifficultyregulatingemotions.
Thepreviousresearchcitedintensereactionssuchasragethatcouldbeexperiencedbythebetrayedpartner.
Thesefeelingsofragewerefeltbymultipleparticipantsbothduringtheinitialreactionsandperiodicallythroughouttheyearsfollowingtheinfidelity.
Previousresearchalsostatedthatparticipantsmayexperienceimpairmentofdailyactivities,feelingsofpowerlessness,victimization,orabandonmentafterdiscoveringanextramaritalaffair,whichweresimilartofeelingsexpressedbytheparticipants.
Priorresearchciteddepressionasoneprevalentresultfromthediscoveryofanextramaritalaffair.
Althoughnoneoftheparticipantsusedtheword"depression"todescribetheirGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS54feelings,onestatedfeelingsuicidal,anotherparticipantfelt"crippled"andothersexpressedbeingconstantlysad.
Alongitudinalstudywouldbemoreadequatetodetermineifparticipantsexperienceddepression.
Griefandlosstheoryalsodiscussedsecondarylossesthatcauseanindividualto"regrieve"theinitialloss.
Manyparticipantsnotonlyexperiencedgriefduetotheextramaritalaffair,butalsohadsecondarylossesincludinglossofrelationship,roles,extendedfamily,friends,income,housing,trust,andbeliefinmarriage.
Griefandlosstheoryadditionallydiscussespsychological,social,andphysicalreactionstolossesandhowitisexperiencedthroughfeelings,thoughts,andattitudes.
Someoftheparticipantsexperiencedphysicalissuesduetothestressthattheinfidelitycaused.
Alloftheparticipantswentthroughchangestotheirfeelings,thoughts,andattitudesthroughouttheirgrievingoftheaffairsanddivorces.
AuthorsHooymanandKramer(2006)wroteabouttheimportanceofsharingone'sstory.
Thiswasidentifiedbyalmostalloftheparticipantsasareasonthattheywantedtoparticipateinthestudy.
Therewerenomonetaryincentivesforparticipation,butalloftheparticipantsstatedtheywantedtobeapartofthestudyto1)sharetheirstoryandexperiences,2)potentiallyhelpothersgoingthroughsimilarsituations,and3)helpprofessionalsbetterunderstandwhatbetrayedpartnersarefeeling.
Oneparticipantevenstatedthathehadbeenlookingforwardtothisinterviewallweek,andwassoexcitedthathetoldhisfriendsandfamilyhewasparticipatingintheresearch.
Previousresearchandliteraturediscussedgriefasaconsequenceofshattereddreams.
Alloftheparticipantsdiscussedlosingtheideasandimagesthattheyhadforthefutureoftheirmarriageandfamily.
Somecitedthelossofdoingactivitiestogether,GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS55fixinguptheirhouse,havingchildren,growingoldtogether,andstayingmarrieduntil"deathdouspart".
StrengthsandLimitationsStrengthsDespitethelimitationsinthisstudy,therearestrengthsaswell.
Onestrengthbeingthatinformationwascollectedfromthebetrayedpartners.
Thisfirst-handaccountprovidedmoredetailed,raw,andpersonalinformationasopposedtoaskingtherapistsfortheirimpressionsofbetrayedpartners'experiences.
Thediversepopulationcanbeseenasalimitationwhenlookingtofocusontheimpactofacertainaspectofindividuals'experiences,butthediversityinthesamplecanalsobeconsideredastrengthsincethestudywaslookingatgeneralexperiencesofanyandallparticipants.
Sincetheresearchdidnothoneinonaspecificaspectsuchassocioeconomicstatusandhowthataffectspost-infidelityexperiences,itwasastrengththentogetaverydiversepopulationsample.
Thesampleincludeddiversityinresidence,culture,gender,age,sexualorientation,careers,andmore,yettheparticipantsstillhadsomeexperiencesthatwererelatable.
LimitationsThisstudyincludesnumerouslimitationsthatshouldbetakenintoaccount.
Onelimitationistheundersizedsamplethatwasusedforthestudy.
Therewereonlysixparticipants,whichmakesthefindingsdifficulttogeneralizetothepopulation.
Oneofthereasonsthatthesamplesizewassmallwasbecausethisstudyusedaqualitativeapproachasopposedtoaquantitative.
Obtaininginterviewsforqualitativeresearchtookalongertime,butitwasessentialtobeabletohearreal-lifestories.
Additionally,theGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS56numberofparticipantsalsohadtobelimitedinordertofitwithinthenine-monthsallottedtocompletethewholestudy.
Anotherlimitationwasthedifficultyinrecruitingbetrayedpartners.
Participantswereanticipatedtobedrawnfromalocalsupportgroupinadditiontoclientsfromlocalcounselingoffices.
Aninitialemailwassenttothelocalgroupcounselor,andsheagreedtopassthestudy'sinformationontothemembers.
Shestatedthoughthatshewouldliketocheckwithhersupervisorfirst.
Thesupervisorsaidsheneededtocheckwithhersupervisor,whoendedupbeingthedirectoroftheentireinternationalorganization.
Aftertwomonthsofcorrespondingwiththedirector,shesaidthatshewouldnotallowinformationregardingtheopportunitytoparticipateintheresearchstudytobepassedalongtomembers.
Postingflyersinlocalcounselingofficesalsoprovedtobeachallengeforrecruitment.
Permissionviaphonewasgrantedfromthesecretariestobeabletopostflyersattheoffices.
However,whenflyerswerebroughttotheofficestopost,thetherapistsdidnotwantthemtobehungup.
Havingbarrierstobothformsofrecruitmentwasonelimitationtoresearchingthispopulation.
Onereasontheresearcherreceivedfromthedirectorastowhymemberscouldnotbeofferedthechancetoparticipatewas:"Itissuchanemotional,private,tender,andvolatileissueallatthesametime.
Itismyjobtoprotectmembersof(nameremoved).
I'vealsofoundmuchresearchispre-biased.
"The"protection"ofclientswasareasoncitedbyoneofthetherapistsaswellasareasontonothaveflyerspostedintheiroffice.
Anadditionallimitationwithinthisstudyisthebroadstipulationstoparticipateinthestudy.
Alloftheparticipantswerefromverydifferentbackgrounds,soitwouldbeGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS57impossibletodeterminetheeffectthatculture,race,gender,lengthofyearsmarried,sharedchildren,socioeconomicstatus,sexualorientation,andotherindividualaspectshaveonthebetrayedpartners'experiences.
Furtherlimitationwasdiscoveredwhentryingtocompletetheliteraturereviewforthisstudy.
Thereisalackofresearchregardingthebetrayedpartner'sexperiences,andevenlessinformationrelatedtotheirgriefandloss.
Mostoftheresearchfocusedoncausesandtypesofinfidelity,ratherthanexperiencesfollowingthediscoveryoftheinfidelity.
RecommendationsforFutureResearchOnelimitationnotedabovewasthelimitedsamplesize.
Inordertobeabletogeneralizefindingstoalargerpopulation,moreparticipantsshouldberecruited.
Futurerecruitmenteffortsmightincludefinancialincentivesandincreasedtimefortheresearchertorecruit.
Anotherimplicationforfutureresearchcouldbetostudyindividualeffectsofculture,religion,gender,ethnicity,age,numberofyearsmarried,andnumerousadditionalfactorsthatinfluenceexperiencesofbetrayedpartners.
Havingmorecriteriaforparticipantscouldaidindeterminingspecificfactorsandhowtheyattributetoexperiencesofgriefandloss.
Inquiringastohowbetrayedpartnerscouldhaveordiduseservicesofferedbyasocialworkercouldalsobeanissueforfurtherresearch.
Futureresearchmayalsowanttolookathowtherapistscanfeelmorecomfortableandequippedtoprovidetherapytoindividualsorcouplesthatseekhelpforissuesregardinginfidelity.
Extramaritalaffairsareaprevalentoccurrence,thereforefutureresearchmaywanttolookatspecifictechniquesorskillsthatcanbetaughttotherapiststoassistwithworkingaroundextramaritalaffairs.
GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS58ImplicationsforSocialWorkTheresultssectionillustratedparticipants'thoughtsandexperiencesfollowinginfidelity.
Themajorityofparticipantsdiscussedattendingsupportgroupsandindividualcounselingtohelpthem,whichcouldbeledbyclinicalsocialworkers.
Thesestoriescanhelpsocialworkersprovidetherapybyhearingtheperspectivesandstrugglesofbetrayedpartners.
Ifasocialworkerisstrivingforclosureorclarityfortheirclients,itisimportanttobeawarethatthiswouldbedifficult.
Theclientmayexperiencetrustissueswithnewrelationships,custodyconflicts,andothercontinuallossesthatcouldcausetheclienttore-grieve.
Additionally,socialworkersservingchildrenand/orfamiliescanbenefitfromlearningabouttheimpactsthatinfidelityhasonfamilydynamics.
ConclusionThepurposeofthisstudywastoassessbetrayedpartners'experienceswithgriefandlossfollowingthediscoveryofanextramaritalaffair.
Despiteinfidelitybeingacommonoccurrenceinmarriages,theexistingliteratureregardinggriefandlossinthisfieldwasscarce.
Inthisstudy,sixbetrayedpartnersofferedtheirstoriesasahealingexperienceforthemselves,toprovidesupportandhopeforotherswhoareinsimilarsituations,andtohelpprofessionalsinthefield.
Importantthemesaroseinthefindingsincludingimmediatethoughtsfollowingthediscoveryoftheaffair,griefandlossaspects,additionallifechangesfromtheinfidelity,andcopingstrategiesusedbyparticipants.
Participantsexperiencedarangeofemotions,whichsometimeschangedminutebyminute.
Lossoftherelationship,lossofextendedfamily,financialhardships,physicalandemotionallosses,changesinchildGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS59custody,andlossoftrustwereidentifiedaslossesthatoccurredduetotheextramaritalaffairsandresultingdivorces.
Thelossesandgrieffeltbythebetrayedpartnerdonothaveaconclusion.
Secondarylossescancontinuethroughouttheirlife,causingasenseofre-grieving.
Althoughmanylosseswereidentified,someparticipantsdidnotehavinganincreaseinself-esteem,andalsofoundthattheyeventuallyconcludedthatnoteveryoneisuntrustworthy.
Participantsidentifiedcopingstrategiesincludingfamily,friends,religion,books,forgiveness,supportgroups,andindividualcounseling.
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GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS63AppendixAINFORMATIONANDCONSENTFORMUNIVERSITYOFST.
THOMAS/ST.
CATHERINEUNIVERSITYBetrayedPartner'sExperienceswithGriefandLossinExtramaritalAffairsYouareinvitedtoparticipateinaresearchstudyinvestigatingthebetrayedpartner'sexperienceswithgriefandlossafterdiscoveringanextramaritalaffair.
Iaminterestedinchangesthatoccurredaftertheaffair,aswellassupportsandcopingskillsthathavebeenhelpful.
ThisstudyisbeingconductedbyMelindaDeGroot,aMasterofSocialWorkstudentattheUniversityofSt.
ThomasandSt.
CatherineUniversitySchoolofSocialWorkunderthesupervisionofLisaKiesel,PhD,LICSW.
PurposeofthisStudy:Thepurposeofthisstudyistohavethebetrayed/injuredpartneridentifyandshareanyfeelingsofgriefandlossexperiencedduetoinfidelity.
Thestudywillalsoexplorechangesinthoughts,feelingsandbehaviorsafterthediscoveryofanaffair.
Approximately10individualsareanticipatedtoparticipateinthisstudy.
Procedures:Ifyouagreetoparticipateinthisstudy,youwillbeaskedtoparticipateinanintervieweitherinpersonoroverthephone.
Youwillgettochoosewhichmethodofinterviewyouprefer.
Theone-timeinterviewwilltakeapproximately25-45minutestocompleteandwillconsistofsixquestions.
GRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS64RisksandBenefitsofbeinginthestudy:Therearenodirectbenefitstoyouforparticipatinginthisresearch.
Thereisnocompensationorotherpaymentofferedforyourparticipation.
However,thisstudyprovidesameanstoshareyourstoryaboutyourexperiencesafterdiscoveringinfidelity.
Yourcontributionswillenhancethefieldofextramaritalaffairresearchbyprovidingneededinformation.
Thestudyhasminimalrisks.
Duringtheinterviewyouwillbeaskedtoshareinformationaboutyourexperiencesasthebetrayedpartnerinanextramaritalaffair.
Thereisthepossibilitythatsomequestionsmaybedifficulttoanswerorcouldarouseuncomfortablefeelings.
Youcandeclinetoansweranyquestionsyoufeeluncomfortableanswering.
Followingtheinterview,alistoftherapeuticresourcesandsupportserviceswillbeprovided.
Confidentiality:Theinformationcollectedduringthisstudywillbekeptanonymous.
Youwillneverbeaskedtoprovideyourname.
Theonlyidentifyinginformationwillbeanoptionalquestionaddressingdemographicinformationincludinggenderandage.
Inanywrittenreports,noonewillbeidentifiedoridentifiableandonlygroupdatawillbepresented.
Confidentialitywillbemaintainedbyneveraskingfornames,andbykeepinginformationlockedandpasswordprotectedontheresearcher'spersonalcomputer.
Interviewswillbetaperecordedinordertobetranscribed,andtheonlypeoplethatwillhaveaccesstothetranscribedinterviewswillbetheprincipleresearcher,MelindaDeGroot,andthesupervisoroftheresearch,Dr.
LisaKiesel.
WewillfinishanalyzingtheGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS65databyMay25,2013.
Wewillthendestroyalloriginalreportsandtaperecordingsthatcanbelinkedbacktoyou.
Voluntarynatureofthestudy:Participationinthisresearchstudyisvoluntary.
YourdecisionwhetherornottoparticipatewillnotaffectyourfuturerelationswithSt.
CatherineUniversityandtheUniversityofSt.
Thomasinanyway.
Ifyoudecidetoparticipate,youarefreetowithdrawfromthestudyorstoptheinterviewatanytimewithoutaffectingtheserelationships.
Contactsandquestions:Ifyouhaveanyquestions,pleasefeelfreetocontactme,MelindaDeGroot,atdegr5799@stthomas.
edu.
Youmayaskquestionsnow,orifyouhaveanyadditionalquestionslater,thefacultyadvisor,Dr.
LisaKieselat(651)690-6709,willbehappytoanswerthem.
Ifyouhaveotherquestionsorconcernsregardingthestudyandwouldliketotalktosomeoneotherthantheresearcher,youmayalsocontactDr.
JohnSchmitt,ChairoftheSt.
CatherineUniversityInstitutionalReviewBoard,at(651)690-7739.
Youmaykeepacopyofthisformforyourrecords.
StatementofConsent:Youaremakingadecisionwhetherornottoparticipate.
Yoursignatureindicatesthatyouhavereadthisinformationandyourquestionshavebeenanswered.
Evenaftersigningthisform,pleaseknowthatyoumaywithdrawfromthestudyatanytime.
IconsenttoparticipateinthestudyandIagreetohavemyanswerstaperecorded.
SignatureofParticipantDateGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS66AppendixBInterviewQuestionsIfatanytimeyoufeeluncomfortableansweringaquestion,youmayrefusetoanswerandwewillmoveontoanotherquestion.
1)WhatisyourageandgenderHowlongwereyouandyourspousemarriedorcontinuetobemarried2)Ifyouarewilling,pleasedescribeyourexperiencewithinfidelityinyourmarriage.
3)Everyonehasadifferentresponsetoinfidelity,andIamwonderinghowyourthoughts,feelings,andbehaviorshavebeenaffectedbythisaffair4)Howhaveyou,ifatall,experiencedlossesorgriefasaresultoftheinfidelity5)Somebetrayedpartnersmayexperiencegriefasaresultoflifeexpectationsthatyouhadforyouandyourspousenotgoingashoped.
Howhaveyourlifeexpectationsordreamsalteredasaresultoftheinfidelity6)WhathashelpedyouincopingwiththeaffairGRIEFANDLOSSINEXTRAMARITALAFFAIRS67AppendixCResourcesforTherapyandSupportTheRelationshipTherapyCenterofMinnesota:TherapyforIndividuals,Couples&Families(612)850-8065http://www.
mncouplescounseling.
com/TheRelationshipTherapyCenterofMNprovidesintensivetherapyforindividuals,couples,orfamiliesconductedbyLicensedMarriageandFamilyTherapistsandLicensedIndependentClinicalSocialWorkers.
Marriageandcouplescounselingcanaddressissuessuchasaffairs,betrayal,andcontinuousfights.
BeyondAffairsNetworkhttp://www.
beyondaffairs.
com/BAN_support_groups.
htmTheBeyondAffairsNetwork(BAN)isanon-profitnationwideorganizationthatconductssupportgroupsforindividualsdealingwiththeimpactofanextramaritalaffair.
Thegroupsprovideasafespaceforindividualstoseekinsight,strength,andmutualsupportfromothermenandwomenwhoarethebetrayedspouse.
Groupmemberscanbestillmarriedordivorced,butmustbethebetrayedpartnerinthemarriage.
MinnesotaMentalHealthClinics(651)454-0114http://www.
mnmentalhealthclinics.
com/MNMentalHealthClinicsisaprivatepracticeassociationofMentalHealthProfessionalsthatprovidesmentalhealthservices,outpatientservices,grouptherapy,urgentcare,psychiatricservicesforallages,andfamilycounselingintheTwinCitiesarea.